savage

I've been having this thought a lot lately - I'm not really behaving the way I'd like to. I don't feel I'm taking responsibility of myself or other people as well as I'd like to.

Mostly this has to do with sex. I've been having a lot of sex with a lot of different people these last few years, and I don't really know what to think about it. Usually it has been really fun and consensual and uncomplicated, but a few times also really messy and dramatic, and has taught me a lot about expectations and promises and honesty and polyamory and just how intense feelings people easily get about their sexual partners.

I'm afraid I'm somehow addicted to sex. I'm sometimes having sex with people I don't know or even feel I understand much, and it feels weird afterwards, having been in such an intimate situation with people so different from me. But these days I'm almost CONSTANTLY fantasizing about sex. And it has become something like the easiest stress reliever for me. I can forget anything with a good bang. And nothing really compares with the pleasure I get from sex.

I feel I'm constantly medicating myself with thoughts or visuals or music that are pretty sensual, when I'm not having sex. I don't really ever watch porn (I consider porn dramatically less sensual than, say, Yoshitaka Amano's art), but I do feel a great need to see and draw really sensual stuff.

I don't think sexuality or even strong sexuality is by itself a problem - on the contrary, I think that my horniness usually indicates that I'm healthy, inspired, creative, energetic, self-trusting. But these days I find it troubling, somehow - that I don't feel I can control it so well anymore. I don't mean I would go about harassing people (at least no intentionally o_o), it's just really hard to say no to sex even in a situation where it could have bad consequences.

I've been in situations where I meet up with a group of friends and think oh fuck, there's six people here, and I've banged five of them. I just start to anticipate trouble, drama, maybe our friendships breaking because of that. Something similar has already come up in some rewilding camps I've been in.

I don't usually want to be "normal", I usually think my behaviour is healthier or more wild and alive than that of people trapped in cultural appropriateness - when-I-act-like-everybody-else-maybe-no-one-will-bully-me. But in the area of sexual activity, or "promiscuity", I maybe wish I was more "normal". Or, I don't really know anyone else who would be behaving like this (well, it could also be that they do, only they just don't talk about it). I'm afraid it'll lead to trouble. Maybe I'm also afraid of being moralized. I'm not usually afraid of being moralized about something I see as morally right - like the concept of "Ethical slutness", functional, communicative polyamory - but I'm not doing that, to be honest. I'm just fucking around.

Another thing besides breaking up friendships is safe sex. I realized only lately that I've been neglecting protection/pregnancy prevention for a long time now. It's a miracle I haven't got pregnant or sick by now. I was even trying to remember if I had used condoms last summer at all, and I just couldn't remember.

I don't know if I'm still having some self-worth issues, that I'm trying to medicate with sex. Maybe some... Sigh. I also still have a lot of plain need for touch and closeness. But it's really seldom for me to have that without sex. I usually start to react sexually almost everytime a male person touches me.

I'm really confused. It's as if my mind isn't in control anymore. Or, to be more accurate, that I've lost my own will in this.

It helps me a tad to do really creative stuff, or exercise, to deflate some of this horrendous horniness.

And it feels really complicated, also because I feel that there's only one person that I'm really in love with. He's also a person I really trust to care about my well-being. Many of my sexual partners don't always listen to me or put our wants on the same line - they don't let me sleep when I want to sleep, they don't want to use protection ("you can take a morning after pill" - wtf, and fuck up my whole body? Those pills are so strong, it totally messes up your system to use them too often) etc. So. WHY THE HELL DO I HANG AROUND WITH THESE PEOPLE?

I usually consider I have quite a strong sense of self-worth and a sense of self-protection, voting with my feet when I notice someone is abusing me somehow, mentally or physically brainwashing, coercing etc. But when it has to do with sex - I'm like a fucking junkie. I don't care about anything if I get a bang. I kind of even enjoy it when I and the other person totally lose control and don't care about anything anymore. Even about each other.

Maybe I'm a twisted nymphomaniac. I admit, I even think total lack of control and some amount of roughness and neglection is kind of kinky.

But when I end up pregnant, HIV-positive, and having broken up all my friendships - ... This isn't working.

Sometimes I think it's cool to be a sexually active woman and not be afraid of being thought as a slut. Sometimes I think of it as a sign that people must like me if I get laid a lot.

But I'm just not with myself anymore. I'm escaping. I'm not feeling safe.

Almost every time I meet a new interesting male person, my first thought is: "Will we have sex? What if he doesn't think I'm sexually attractive? C'mon, you'd love to, wouldn't you?" I don't rationally think I'll have any more worth from shagging with more people. I'm not collecting a list of bangs (well, I did count them, to compare myself to those who are considered sex addicts - I've been with 21. And I'm 21 years old. I don't think that's too bad yet, but my guts tell me that this isn't the right direction. Or the atmosphere this is happening ain't what I want it to be).

I think this does come down to my self-image. And relationships. Maybe I'm still insecure, although I'm not maybe totally aware of it. Maybe I still want more attention. Closer friends. More stability to my life (I've been mostly homeless from the beginning of June).

Sensuality is the basis of life to me. Sensing, feeling, communicating. But it's not right if I feel constantly restless when I don't get sexual appreciation. I have to sort this out somehow... calm myself... talk about this with someone and get some support.

I'd just really, really like to have relationships where I can trust people, be open with them. I guess I do, with some, maybe even quite many. I just have so much restlessness and anguish.

It's so strange, to in a way feel so strong, self-trusting and independent, and so confused, insecure and lonely.