My spirits have rosen to the sky with the appearance of the sun after winter. I'm feeling much more that the world is open, boundless, much more adventurous, I want to dive in the woods. I'm much more in my element when it's not winter, it feels more the right environment for my kind of animal. I wander and play and jump and sing outside, which I haven't really done much at my school thus far. There's always been so little free time in the light time of the day. Now the day is so long... I can go really far. And I feel the scents of the world.
And some mornings I've woken up at 7am, and walked in the morning mist, the pale sun shining bright, the place sounding like a thousand birds chittering. I saw wild geese and this bird, "tikka", the one who knocks her beak into trees. Wood... pecker?
I feel that the world is so beautiful. That humans really have been gifted a paradise.
I've been feeling extraordinarily happy for the last two weeks, I'm happy from when I wake up to when I go to sleep - although of course I'm always aware of the violence happening in the world. I've been happy to notice, that I don't crave other people's company so much, I'm content in my own playing and dreaming and communicating with the woods around me. I would like this contentment to stay as much as possible - because I do sometimes feel I'm overtly thirsting for someone to see me and love me, I really wonder how that need can sometimes be with me so strongly, because I do meet people who love me very much every week, I know they exist, but in the last year it has been an almost constant feel of loneliness inside of me, that I would need to be with a friend every single day. That has felt like too big a need for attention for a grown-up - I've been thinking if this is just the loneliness I've felt in the passing of all my life that is now just coming to the surface because I'm brave enough to admit it's there.
Some days I've been so happy it could almost be called ecstasy, I've been dancing like crazy for hours, playing instruments, drawing, writing, and been feeling so inspired and energetic that I've been awake for one and a half days at most. I remember what I've been told, that I might be bipolaric, but I wouldn't say this is yet hypomania or anything, I think this is just, being so high about receiving this new view of life which is so full of beauty and joy. Somehow, this spring is my first as a free human after all those years of elementary and high school, where I hated to be. Being in this Kuggom school, learning handicrafts, feels just like learning skills to live the way I want to live.
I'm having a very dear friend of mine stay here with me for the Easter holidays. She's invaluable, I can talk with her about stuff I can't talk about with anyone else. It has felt great to share my distant memories and recent experiences of having been abused/mistreated sexually. I have realized that I have a pattern of both enjoying and suffering from being treated somehow sexually twistedly. I accept and want to be in contact with all sides of myself, also "dark"/cruel/taboo ones. I recognize in myself both an enormous will to love and nurse, and an ability to be unempathetic, to play with living beings as if they wouldn't feel anything, and a side that loves killing, loves blood, destruction, a rage. I think the rage has accumulated in my life... actually now, writing this, it just surfaced. I feel like destroying everything around me. I could shout it out. ------ Well, maybe I'll rather just continue writing. So, I recognize in myself both the abilities to treat other beings well and to treat them completely like playthings, something to tear apart on a whim. And I do express my rage and cruelty through art, and enjoy it (I guess that's called being evil... *grin*)But mainly in my life, I don't want to hurt any being.
So I guess I understand that there is a sadistic part of me. And I've used to think I also have a masochistic side - well, I certainly have, I used to hate myself as a kid, and I tried to be really thin and get the best grades and I used to punish myself when I didn't feel I was good enough. And after being mistreated sexually, it seems I've also developed an ability to enjoy such sex - in fact, talking with my friend, I realized this skill is actually about turning off everything else in myself - all other feelings. I actually just recently was in this situation: I thought I was having sex with a person who loved me, but from her way of treating me I realized she was actually just using me - so then, in my mind, I remember - I slid into a smaller box of feeling, and accepted being used. I actually thought - use me, use me, use me. And I thought I enjoyed it at the moment. But afterwards, I felt such disgust for the person I felt used me, and pain. So I've decided that from now on, for the time being, I'll make sur that I won't have sex where there is the slightest feeling of being used or dominated. And I actually have a lover with whom it's pretty usual nyances of this are present. I'll try to stop being masochistic also sexually and be honest to myself that I don't really enjoyed being treated like that. There's nothing in that that I enjoy. I feel like crying.
And it's so insane - I have so many friends who have been sexually abused. Girls and boys. It's so common in this insane society!
And still, thinking about my sexuality - since I begun loving myself, I've become in all ways braver, more open, and happy, and that has lead to me also being able to release my sexuality, which is very powerful. I feel it's really the same as my joy of life, my inspiration - and it's never something discomforting, I never feel uncomfortably horny, I just feel wonderful, like I could just fuck the world, fuck the fucking walls, anything that's there. Like a cat who walks around purring and rubbing herself unto furniture as she walks past. I think that I also have many experiences of sex as a purely joyful and safe thing, an expression of love. I'm really happy about that, and I try to stick with that kind of sex, that is actually healing, that is one of the most beautiful things that happen in the world.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
on closeness/sex - basis for workshop
These notes came when I was planning a closeness/orgy workshop for Urvision 2008 and now, when I'm planning another for Rikkaruoho 2009. The workshops are meant to be discussions, not lectures, but I wanted to list the points that are central for me when thinking about our relation to closeness and sex and that of our society's.
-what does closeness mean for human beings?
-closeness is a necessity for the human animal as a child, and for most of us it is also healing as adults. Do we get enough closeness in young and old age in this culture? How about in other cultures? In some societies (at least some gatherer-hunter societis) children are breastfeeded to the age of 4-6 and carried constantly for at least their first year. In Latino cultures there is more touching. In some cultures it's an offence if one takes one's own lice off herself and doesn't let someone else do it. In some Western elder's nursing homes lonely old people are given robotic pets to hold and care for.
-non-sexual and sexual closeness should be seen as different, in the sense that one should learn to say she wants only non-sexual closeness, if she does.
-what is sex? Our perception of it is usually built on the picture that the media gives of it. Our culture is very fixated on fast vagina-penis copulation, although sex can also be enjoyed in many other ways and paces. In a fine book about polyamory called The Ethical Slut I stumbled upon the thought that sex is whatever feels sexual, for example sharing a milk shake with a lover.
What kind of an idea would we have of sex without the media, if we had while growing up found that tingling feeling on our own, without any assumptions about what it could mean?
-how do we, grown up in this culture, relate to our own bodies? The media depicts only one kind of people, and the hygiene product and make-up industry tries hard to get us doubt our looks and smells are right and beautiful. We grow up to think supermodels are normal and we are not. At least when we go to the swimming hall, we see human bodies in all the varieties they come. When we were in the Anarcho-Primitivist Gathering 2008 in Poland, and spent most of the time quite naked, upon seeing friends and lovers show affection to each other on a party evening, my friend said to me: "It's wonderful to see all these bodies being loved". It made me happy too, all of us with our round bellies and hairy legs and everything getting so many hugs.
We should also remember, that beauty ideals vary in different cultures. For example sturdiness in women has been and is in many cultures an ideal. This can be seen in the old Venus statues and in Finnish folk songs. Also when looking at differents artists' ways of depicting humans, it can be seen that they all love to exaggerate different parts of the body: someone's favourite forms are round shoulders, thick thighs, big noses.
I have read about some Native Americans having the belief that the body is sacred, and that if one does not have respect for their own body, they are showing disrespect to the whole of creation.
-is sex always intimate both physically and emotionally? Are there differences between the two kinds? Can one realx with a new person and trust them to the extent that one is capable of feeling pleasure, and not just think "am I doing this right?" For some of us a trusting atmoshpere is a necessity for sex: "the sexiest thing is trust". I myself feel that often the most satisfying thing about sex is feeling acepted and loved.
-can sex be abused like a drug? It's sometimes used as a source of instant pleasure, a distraction from anxiety. A partner has once said to me "I NEED to have sex with you, I just NEED it", when I had declined her proposition of sex. I felt pressured.
-sexual boundaries: one can ask anything, and one can always answer no
-to have good sex one needs to have strong self love, so that they accept themselves whatever happens, and don't end up doing something they don't want to to get acceptance from others. Listen to yourself, listen to what you want to do, and if you're unsure, stay where you are or stay in the side.
-respect others. Listen to what is comfortable for others, ask if unsure. You can't demand someone to please you. Respect everyone's freedom and own will, that they own their own bodies.
After discussing these themes, I will maybe organize a hugpile for the people who want non-sexual closeness, and an orgy for the people who want to have group sex. This orgy will be centered on respect and some degree of tenderness/carefulness, it's not a place for sadomasochism. We will gather an orgy etiquette on the spot and only those can join who commit to not break the etiquette.
I'll probably add some more on this subject, but here's wht I felt like writing now.
-what does closeness mean for human beings?
-closeness is a necessity for the human animal as a child, and for most of us it is also healing as adults. Do we get enough closeness in young and old age in this culture? How about in other cultures? In some societies (at least some gatherer-hunter societis) children are breastfeeded to the age of 4-6 and carried constantly for at least their first year. In Latino cultures there is more touching. In some cultures it's an offence if one takes one's own lice off herself and doesn't let someone else do it. In some Western elder's nursing homes lonely old people are given robotic pets to hold and care for.
-non-sexual and sexual closeness should be seen as different, in the sense that one should learn to say she wants only non-sexual closeness, if she does.
-what is sex? Our perception of it is usually built on the picture that the media gives of it. Our culture is very fixated on fast vagina-penis copulation, although sex can also be enjoyed in many other ways and paces. In a fine book about polyamory called The Ethical Slut I stumbled upon the thought that sex is whatever feels sexual, for example sharing a milk shake with a lover.
What kind of an idea would we have of sex without the media, if we had while growing up found that tingling feeling on our own, without any assumptions about what it could mean?
-how do we, grown up in this culture, relate to our own bodies? The media depicts only one kind of people, and the hygiene product and make-up industry tries hard to get us doubt our looks and smells are right and beautiful. We grow up to think supermodels are normal and we are not. At least when we go to the swimming hall, we see human bodies in all the varieties they come. When we were in the Anarcho-Primitivist Gathering 2008 in Poland, and spent most of the time quite naked, upon seeing friends and lovers show affection to each other on a party evening, my friend said to me: "It's wonderful to see all these bodies being loved". It made me happy too, all of us with our round bellies and hairy legs and everything getting so many hugs.
We should also remember, that beauty ideals vary in different cultures. For example sturdiness in women has been and is in many cultures an ideal. This can be seen in the old Venus statues and in Finnish folk songs. Also when looking at differents artists' ways of depicting humans, it can be seen that they all love to exaggerate different parts of the body: someone's favourite forms are round shoulders, thick thighs, big noses.
I have read about some Native Americans having the belief that the body is sacred, and that if one does not have respect for their own body, they are showing disrespect to the whole of creation.
-is sex always intimate both physically and emotionally? Are there differences between the two kinds? Can one realx with a new person and trust them to the extent that one is capable of feeling pleasure, and not just think "am I doing this right?" For some of us a trusting atmoshpere is a necessity for sex: "the sexiest thing is trust". I myself feel that often the most satisfying thing about sex is feeling acepted and loved.
-can sex be abused like a drug? It's sometimes used as a source of instant pleasure, a distraction from anxiety. A partner has once said to me "I NEED to have sex with you, I just NEED it", when I had declined her proposition of sex. I felt pressured.
-sexual boundaries: one can ask anything, and one can always answer no
-to have good sex one needs to have strong self love, so that they accept themselves whatever happens, and don't end up doing something they don't want to to get acceptance from others. Listen to yourself, listen to what you want to do, and if you're unsure, stay where you are or stay in the side.
-respect others. Listen to what is comfortable for others, ask if unsure. You can't demand someone to please you. Respect everyone's freedom and own will, that they own their own bodies.
After discussing these themes, I will maybe organize a hugpile for the people who want non-sexual closeness, and an orgy for the people who want to have group sex. This orgy will be centered on respect and some degree of tenderness/carefulness, it's not a place for sadomasochism. We will gather an orgy etiquette on the spot and only those can join who commit to not break the etiquette.
I'll probably add some more on this subject, but here's wht I felt like writing now.
RIKKARUOHO, ecoanarchist action days 8.-10.5. in Helsinki
I got the idea to organize ecoanarchist action days in spring, and soon got a lot of people to do it with me. So it's gonna happen! Here's the ad in textual form (hopefully we get a poster soon as well). Pass this on freely!
RIKKARUOHO (means weed in Finnish, and not pot-weed, just plants you weed from the garden)
Green anarchist action days in Fri8.-Sun10.5.2009
@ Sosiaalikeskus Sompasaari, Kyläsaarenkatu 11, Helsinki, Finland
Workshops
-recognition and use of wild greens
-communities - traditional ecovillages and anarcho-primitivistic/nomadic
-organizing rewilding camps in Finland, for example Anarcho-Primitivist Gathering 2010 in Finland
-primitive skills meetings, local/travelling around
-the situation of the Sámi people
-handicraftsworkshops, for example making baskets/nets/light shoes
-local exchange economies and web forums
-polyamory discussion (polyamory= one has several steady partners/friend-lovers)
-closeness/sex discussion (if we want we can organize separately an orgy too!)
-plant medicine
-natural way to bring children up
-natural birth control
-straight action (or what is is in English?), defending nature
-discussion on where to go to learn primitive skills, schools etc
-climate change
-gene manipulation
-nuclear power
Movies
-Last Yoik in Sámi Forests
-Dead Society
-What a Way to Go: Life at the End of Empire, with clips of Daniel Quinn, Derrick Jensen, Chellis Glendinning, Richard Heinberg, Richard Manning, Jerry Mander and others.
etcetc bring your ideas and movies!
Shopping alley
Sell/give your zines and books! Patches, handicrafts and tables of NGOs related to green anarchism also welcome.
The structure will probably be something like:
09-10 breakfast
10-12 workshop 1
12-13 lunch
13-15 workshop 2
15.30-17.30 workshop 3
17.30-18.30 dinner
movies, playing our own instruments and dancing in the evening
We still need people who could hold workshops, cook vegan food, bring and show movies. Anyone? Mail me! ronja.aarniala@gmail.com And spread this message.
(NOTE: most of these workshops will happen, but a few are still uncertain. We mean to organize at least all the following workshops.)
RIKKARUOHO (means weed in Finnish, and not pot-weed, just plants you weed from the garden)
Green anarchist action days in Fri8.-Sun10.5.2009
@ Sosiaalikeskus Sompasaari, Kyläsaarenkatu 11, Helsinki, Finland
Workshops
-recognition and use of wild greens
-communities - traditional ecovillages and anarcho-primitivistic/nomadic
-organizing rewilding camps in Finland, for example Anarcho-Primitivist Gathering 2010 in Finland
-primitive skills meetings, local/travelling around
-the situation of the Sámi people
-handicraftsworkshops, for example making baskets/nets/light shoes
-local exchange economies and web forums
-polyamory discussion (polyamory= one has several steady partners/friend-lovers)
-closeness/sex discussion (if we want we can organize separately an orgy too!)
-plant medicine
-natural way to bring children up
-natural birth control
-straight action (or what is is in English?), defending nature
-discussion on where to go to learn primitive skills, schools etc
-climate change
-gene manipulation
-nuclear power
Movies
-Last Yoik in Sámi Forests
-Dead Society
-What a Way to Go: Life at the End of Empire, with clips of Daniel Quinn, Derrick Jensen, Chellis Glendinning, Richard Heinberg, Richard Manning, Jerry Mander and others.
etcetc bring your ideas and movies!
Shopping alley
Sell/give your zines and books! Patches, handicrafts and tables of NGOs related to green anarchism also welcome.
The structure will probably be something like:
09-10 breakfast
10-12 workshop 1
12-13 lunch
13-15 workshop 2
15.30-17.30 workshop 3
17.30-18.30 dinner
movies, playing our own instruments and dancing in the evening
We still need people who could hold workshops, cook vegan food, bring and show movies. Anyone? Mail me! ronja.aarniala@gmail.com And spread this message.
(NOTE: most of these workshops will happen, but a few are still uncertain. We mean to organize at least all the following workshops.)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
"caring for her is sick and wrong"
I got very emotional reading, actually, the last Harry Potter book. I felt moved, felt love. And I started thinking of Aimateka again. I often do when I'm moved, when I feel I know why I live, what's most important to me.
I'm really struggling with my feelings for her. I don't know if my infatuation with her is sane or insane, healthy or unhealthy. I don't think she feels she has such a connection with me. I don't understand my connection to her, I don't think I understand her that much that often. Or I do in an intellectual sense, but not in an emotional one. Most of the time I'm really confused about what's going on inside of her. She isn't interested in sharing that, at all. I don't know why I'm even so interested in a person who is so, somehow, introverted around me. And still, if I think about her manner of sitting on the floor, anything about her, I feel great tenderness, vulnerability. I undertsand the way her gestures speak to me, of sincerity, of an unexplicable, boundless beauty. I hate it. Because when I think about how she sees me, and I know she has some affection for me, but then again, she doesn't really remember me, she said she had forgotten about me for about two months - I don't know why it hurts. I don't understand why it hurts. I wrote a poem about it. I know she doesn't want me to think this way. This is weak, this does not show independency or strength, this is just another sign that I'm mentally unstable and - for some reason I think - that's one reason she wants to stay far from me. I've been depressed, suicidal. I've gotten the impression she could have wanted to be more with me if I wasn't (I'm not telling everything about it here, I'm saying it more vaguely, because I don't know if it's the right impression, but that was the impression). Because depressed people aren't easy. They need help and it's a strain. And they can die all of a sudden. Maybe she doesn't want to care about me if I could just die at any moment. Well, the poem goes:
The thought that you don't love me
causes me to blindly want death
I know it's Wertherizing. (Goethe's Young Werther's Sufferings or something like that, the story where Werther is desperately in love with a chick and when she rejects Werther, Werther commits suicide. The guy's just devoured by her desperation.) And it sucks. I think Aimateka would absolutely despise it that I'm wertherizing. I think it's just the kind of thinking she hates. Making an infatuation into such drama, so impractical. So no-life for someone's whole life to depend on some chick. But I've gotten that urge, just to run into some blades the moment I realize I'm nothing to her. I want to run into death. It's pathetic. I'm not saying I would feel like hurting myself really, I'm not. I just fantasize about it. And if I died. Haha. Yeah, I'm fantasizing that if I died she would suddenly REALIZE she had loved me all along, just that she hadn't allowed herself to confess it to herself. Pathetic... but it's true. It's quite human. And I don't know why these ridiculous thoughts happen. I've also thought, that if she saw me being happy with someone else, maybe she would again REALIZE that she would want me to be with HER instead that moment. But I know that really, if she saw me with someone else, she would only be relieved that I would be off her back.
How can I love someone who doesn't love me? Marilyn Manson sings "I don't believe in the things that don't believe in me". And why would I? She must be stupid if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love myself, I'm one of the best people I know. She's missing out when she's not with me... although I know also that I can also be a really horrible person. Like everyone...
What the fuck is this one-sided connection? I wish I could stop loving her. I once thought that she is like a small fox that has curled up inside my heart. I want it out of me. I want to kill her from inside of me.
It means nothing to her that I love her. Nothing I'll ever do will make her love me.
I feel so sick. I'm not allowing myself to be so pathetic as to love her and it's making me sick that I can't love her. That what could be beautiful, caring, is so sick and wrong.
I'm really struggling with my feelings for her. I don't know if my infatuation with her is sane or insane, healthy or unhealthy. I don't think she feels she has such a connection with me. I don't understand my connection to her, I don't think I understand her that much that often. Or I do in an intellectual sense, but not in an emotional one. Most of the time I'm really confused about what's going on inside of her. She isn't interested in sharing that, at all. I don't know why I'm even so interested in a person who is so, somehow, introverted around me. And still, if I think about her manner of sitting on the floor, anything about her, I feel great tenderness, vulnerability. I undertsand the way her gestures speak to me, of sincerity, of an unexplicable, boundless beauty. I hate it. Because when I think about how she sees me, and I know she has some affection for me, but then again, she doesn't really remember me, she said she had forgotten about me for about two months - I don't know why it hurts. I don't understand why it hurts. I wrote a poem about it. I know she doesn't want me to think this way. This is weak, this does not show independency or strength, this is just another sign that I'm mentally unstable and - for some reason I think - that's one reason she wants to stay far from me. I've been depressed, suicidal. I've gotten the impression she could have wanted to be more with me if I wasn't (I'm not telling everything about it here, I'm saying it more vaguely, because I don't know if it's the right impression, but that was the impression). Because depressed people aren't easy. They need help and it's a strain. And they can die all of a sudden. Maybe she doesn't want to care about me if I could just die at any moment. Well, the poem goes:
The thought that you don't love me
causes me to blindly want death
I know it's Wertherizing. (Goethe's Young Werther's Sufferings or something like that, the story where Werther is desperately in love with a chick and when she rejects Werther, Werther commits suicide. The guy's just devoured by her desperation.) And it sucks. I think Aimateka would absolutely despise it that I'm wertherizing. I think it's just the kind of thinking she hates. Making an infatuation into such drama, so impractical. So no-life for someone's whole life to depend on some chick. But I've gotten that urge, just to run into some blades the moment I realize I'm nothing to her. I want to run into death. It's pathetic. I'm not saying I would feel like hurting myself really, I'm not. I just fantasize about it. And if I died. Haha. Yeah, I'm fantasizing that if I died she would suddenly REALIZE she had loved me all along, just that she hadn't allowed herself to confess it to herself. Pathetic... but it's true. It's quite human. And I don't know why these ridiculous thoughts happen. I've also thought, that if she saw me being happy with someone else, maybe she would again REALIZE that she would want me to be with HER instead that moment. But I know that really, if she saw me with someone else, she would only be relieved that I would be off her back.
How can I love someone who doesn't love me? Marilyn Manson sings "I don't believe in the things that don't believe in me". And why would I? She must be stupid if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love myself, I'm one of the best people I know. She's missing out when she's not with me... although I know also that I can also be a really horrible person. Like everyone...
What the fuck is this one-sided connection? I wish I could stop loving her. I once thought that she is like a small fox that has curled up inside my heart. I want it out of me. I want to kill her from inside of me.
It means nothing to her that I love her. Nothing I'll ever do will make her love me.
I feel so sick. I'm not allowing myself to be so pathetic as to love her and it's making me sick that I can't love her. That what could be beautiful, caring, is so sick and wrong.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
on my need of being loved + I want soulmate primitivists!
I'm very much of the time thinking about if I'm loved. It's something I feel I don't get enough of these days. I have very close friends. They feel like soulmates. But I would wish that they were somehow more available to me. Sometimes they feel like being hermits. The only people that are really available to me are my parents. We have some love for each other, but also many problems. I don't feel safe around my father, she is sometimes violent. I don't trust my mother is happy although she says she is and I sense my her needing my company more than feels comfortable to me. My parents don't have many friends at all, and we aren't with our relatives almost ever. My friends are generally not allowed in our (or their) house. I don't really trust my parents. They don't accept or understand me as much as I would hope.
In very many places, I'm driven by the thought: to whose arms can I go to, who can I embrace? Will someone see me, will someone love me? I don't know if this is healthy from a 20-year-old. Is this how a child should feel, the need for attention and tenderness from a caretaker, or is it healthy for adults also to have such a strong need for unconditional love? Am I unhealthy or just more open about my need than others, or both? Have I had too little love as a child, so that I've grown to always have that hunger, that space screaming for someone to fill it, someone's eyes to gaze at me with tenderness? I think everyone does need unconditional love through their lives, but I don't know if I'll ever live in a place where I feel I get enough. I do often feel I get enough when I spend a day with a friend, but after a week I can be again feeling very, somehow, desperate, alone.
I would really like to have someone stay with me. Stand by me. Live with me. Travel with me. Someone I could share thoughts with and hold. I don't need sex. Sex is welcome, but not something I necessarily need another person for. I would be happy if I could sleep next to someone.
I like most people. I want to hold most people. It's strange if they don't. And sad if they don't want to be held by me. But strange as it is, it seems to be the situation with some people. Well, with hippies it's the opposite. They and some random people are very loving and caressing.
I want to live outside of houses. In a yurt or something more primitive. I would like someone to come with me. Anyone? And in general, I would like to know more primitivists, especially in Finland. It would cheer me to learn more skills, help me on my way as a seeker to know native skills.
I have sometimes had trouble with wanting to hug and be sexual with so many people. I'm not so good at polyamorous respect. People have been hurt. I should practice putting a line before sexuality and not crossing it when there's danger someone will be hurt. In the past I've just been shagging everyone and broken hearts of my dearest friends. I don't want that. It would be better to be very strict about who I can shag, what is everyone ok with. But so many times hugging turns to sex. That's just what happens with adults.
I found a link to a primitivists singles group in Yahoo called The Wildhearted Ones. Seems great!
I find soulmates and I find primitivists. I still hope I would find soulmate primitivists to become my tribe and family.
In very many places, I'm driven by the thought: to whose arms can I go to, who can I embrace? Will someone see me, will someone love me? I don't know if this is healthy from a 20-year-old. Is this how a child should feel, the need for attention and tenderness from a caretaker, or is it healthy for adults also to have such a strong need for unconditional love? Am I unhealthy or just more open about my need than others, or both? Have I had too little love as a child, so that I've grown to always have that hunger, that space screaming for someone to fill it, someone's eyes to gaze at me with tenderness? I think everyone does need unconditional love through their lives, but I don't know if I'll ever live in a place where I feel I get enough. I do often feel I get enough when I spend a day with a friend, but after a week I can be again feeling very, somehow, desperate, alone.
I would really like to have someone stay with me. Stand by me. Live with me. Travel with me. Someone I could share thoughts with and hold. I don't need sex. Sex is welcome, but not something I necessarily need another person for. I would be happy if I could sleep next to someone.
I like most people. I want to hold most people. It's strange if they don't. And sad if they don't want to be held by me. But strange as it is, it seems to be the situation with some people. Well, with hippies it's the opposite. They and some random people are very loving and caressing.
I want to live outside of houses. In a yurt or something more primitive. I would like someone to come with me. Anyone? And in general, I would like to know more primitivists, especially in Finland. It would cheer me to learn more skills, help me on my way as a seeker to know native skills.
I have sometimes had trouble with wanting to hug and be sexual with so many people. I'm not so good at polyamorous respect. People have been hurt. I should practice putting a line before sexuality and not crossing it when there's danger someone will be hurt. In the past I've just been shagging everyone and broken hearts of my dearest friends. I don't want that. It would be better to be very strict about who I can shag, what is everyone ok with. But so many times hugging turns to sex. That's just what happens with adults.
I found a link to a primitivists singles group in Yahoo called The Wildhearted Ones. Seems great!
I find soulmates and I find primitivists. I still hope I would find soulmate primitivists to become my tribe and family.
Monday, January 19, 2009
why am I in love
I think about my being in love with this Aimateka human being. It causes me so much joy, and so much pain. I love it that she exists. She is the most beautiful thing I know. But I don't really understand what she feels for me or thinks about me. She went abroad and had said she would give me her e-mail, but hasn't and I don't know why. I have thoughts that maybe she doesn't want to, doesn't want to receive words or anything from me. That she doesn't see me as anything special, anything beautiful or anything she feels affection towards. Doesn't feel it gives her anything that I love her. It doesn't move her, because I'm insignificant. Maybe she feels uncomfortable about me loving her (which would be hard for me to understand. I love her, why wouldn't that be good for her? I don't just love her body or some mirage, I really love her. I love her soul).
I don't like it that I don't really understand from her behaviour if or in what way or how much she loves me. She has shown me affection, but then again, maybe it's just because she pitied me or felt it would be excpected of her. Maybe she doesn't really care about me. I don't think she would come help me if I was breaking down (she came to visit me when I was at a psychiatric ward though). But it may also be because she doesn't have a lot to give from, she isn't maybe doing so well herself that she could give empathy or support. Or maybe she has other things that just interest her a lot more.
I have thoughts that it would be good if I didn't love her since she doesn't maybe love me much at all. I would be a good person. Not desperate. I would have a life, in the 'get a life' sense. I wouldn't ache in vain. I wouldn't bother her. I would be strong, independent, an independent woman. Maybe I want to be like that. Say "Shoos, I don't care about any boys. If they don't value me, they can go their way. I have a full and busy life here at home."
But I can't help it that I think about her almost every day. Almost always when I go to sleep. I hope she knows I'm thinking about her, I hope she feels my love, some warmth, softness, a kind of caress, care. A warm wind. That she knows she's loved. I hope she feels it wherever she is. I wonder if she does. Or if I could become a bird and go to her. In one song from Värttinä they sing "linduisena lenteleisin kullaiseni kantapäil", "as a bird I would fly on the heels of my love". I would be a, what is it, not crow, but the bird that looks like crow except it has also grey feathers. "Varis" in Finnish.
That she exists is proof that the world is beautiful. But also, there's some suffering in her, I think. Somehow she isn't open wide, she has turned inside. Is that the reason she doesn't show love to me, that she hasn't got the courage to love anyone? Or am I just really not her sort, something not-anything? Maybe she's revolted by me. Maybe I should just understand it so that I should keep away from her? She hasn't said that, but does she mean it so? I don't even need to be her partner or lover, I'd just want to be of her tribe. To live in the same place, see her around every day, cook her food, do household work.
There's something wrong with her self-image I think. As if she wouldn't think anyone can love her. I get this impression. She doesn't believe it's her I love.
She says she can't explain what she thinks of me. It seems she has controversial feelings, something untangled inside of her. Or is she afraid to tell me at my face that she wants me to go away? I don't know.
I think I can't help turning my face towards her, dedicating my dances and songs and pictures for her. But like Björk sings "you''ll be given love ... maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at". I need love and to get that, I must go to someone else.
But why do I feel this love? What good is it?
I don't like it that I don't really understand from her behaviour if or in what way or how much she loves me. She has shown me affection, but then again, maybe it's just because she pitied me or felt it would be excpected of her. Maybe she doesn't really care about me. I don't think she would come help me if I was breaking down (she came to visit me when I was at a psychiatric ward though). But it may also be because she doesn't have a lot to give from, she isn't maybe doing so well herself that she could give empathy or support. Or maybe she has other things that just interest her a lot more.
I have thoughts that it would be good if I didn't love her since she doesn't maybe love me much at all. I would be a good person. Not desperate. I would have a life, in the 'get a life' sense. I wouldn't ache in vain. I wouldn't bother her. I would be strong, independent, an independent woman. Maybe I want to be like that. Say "Shoos, I don't care about any boys. If they don't value me, they can go their way. I have a full and busy life here at home."
But I can't help it that I think about her almost every day. Almost always when I go to sleep. I hope she knows I'm thinking about her, I hope she feels my love, some warmth, softness, a kind of caress, care. A warm wind. That she knows she's loved. I hope she feels it wherever she is. I wonder if she does. Or if I could become a bird and go to her. In one song from Värttinä they sing "linduisena lenteleisin kullaiseni kantapäil", "as a bird I would fly on the heels of my love". I would be a, what is it, not crow, but the bird that looks like crow except it has also grey feathers. "Varis" in Finnish.
That she exists is proof that the world is beautiful. But also, there's some suffering in her, I think. Somehow she isn't open wide, she has turned inside. Is that the reason she doesn't show love to me, that she hasn't got the courage to love anyone? Or am I just really not her sort, something not-anything? Maybe she's revolted by me. Maybe I should just understand it so that I should keep away from her? She hasn't said that, but does she mean it so? I don't even need to be her partner or lover, I'd just want to be of her tribe. To live in the same place, see her around every day, cook her food, do household work.
There's something wrong with her self-image I think. As if she wouldn't think anyone can love her. I get this impression. She doesn't believe it's her I love.
She says she can't explain what she thinks of me. It seems she has controversial feelings, something untangled inside of her. Or is she afraid to tell me at my face that she wants me to go away? I don't know.
I think I can't help turning my face towards her, dedicating my dances and songs and pictures for her. But like Björk sings "you''ll be given love ... maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at". I need love and to get that, I must go to someone else.
But why do I feel this love? What good is it?
"I'll hide you away from the world you rejected"
I'm fascinated by a song and music video by Kosheen called Hide U, have been for years. The lyrics depict what I've felt for years for some friends who live in a world that hurts them. I've also in a way felt it towards myself. The world consumes us, makes us transparent, tears us apart. There's a fantasy of someone taking one away, so that one would never have to experience the horrors again. So many times I've wanted to take my friends away. They are so precious and I want to spare them from pain. But I have no place to take them.
The video depicts ugly concrete slum buildings and people alone in their flats, most of them showing signs of unhappiness and addiction (although nothing seems to be wrong with the transvestite boy, except living alone in that place). I recognize the atmosphere, that's what fascinates me, it's an atmosphere that has been with me a big part of my life. The ugliness, loneliness (the going home alone to a small flat is a big part of the atmosphere), unhappiness. People that are somehow trapped. The reason they are addicted is the emptiness, lack of community, lack of any compassionate spirit in society. Lack of humanity in the lives they are leading. Just work or school. Thinking about making money. And the music depicts this madness, the wanting to escape. Well, these are the things that I think about the video, not necessarily something the maker meant. Here's the lyrics and a link to the video.
Kosheen - Hide U
If you were in my heart I'd surely not break you
If you were beside me and my love would take you
I'd keep you in safety for ever protect you
I'd hide you away from the world you rejected
I'd hide you
I'd hide you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFaBxE1OzE
"The world you rejected"... hits home. It describes the way I can't deal with this place, I have to curl up and choose not see it, it's so bad that my life depends on it that I don't take it in, don't believe it's true, because if the world is Hell, I feel so much horror that my mind breaks, that I die. Our society is so fucked up. I'm trying to get my ass to some ecovillage or anarcho-primitivist community and hope it's a tad better there. At least there's not the ugly suffocated concrete greyness of the city. The most I hope is that I could get something in my life that resembled a tribe, a family.
The video depicts ugly concrete slum buildings and people alone in their flats, most of them showing signs of unhappiness and addiction (although nothing seems to be wrong with the transvestite boy, except living alone in that place). I recognize the atmosphere, that's what fascinates me, it's an atmosphere that has been with me a big part of my life. The ugliness, loneliness (the going home alone to a small flat is a big part of the atmosphere), unhappiness. People that are somehow trapped. The reason they are addicted is the emptiness, lack of community, lack of any compassionate spirit in society. Lack of humanity in the lives they are leading. Just work or school. Thinking about making money. And the music depicts this madness, the wanting to escape. Well, these are the things that I think about the video, not necessarily something the maker meant. Here's the lyrics and a link to the video.
Kosheen - Hide U
If you were in my heart I'd surely not break you
If you were beside me and my love would take you
I'd keep you in safety for ever protect you
I'd hide you away from the world you rejected
I'd hide you
I'd hide you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFaBxE1OzE
"The world you rejected"... hits home. It describes the way I can't deal with this place, I have to curl up and choose not see it, it's so bad that my life depends on it that I don't take it in, don't believe it's true, because if the world is Hell, I feel so much horror that my mind breaks, that I die. Our society is so fucked up. I'm trying to get my ass to some ecovillage or anarcho-primitivist community and hope it's a tad better there. At least there's not the ugly suffocated concrete greyness of the city. The most I hope is that I could get something in my life that resembled a tribe, a family.
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