raindrops from years
LIGHT
you are a star of the sky
until for me there are no other stars
there is only light
you are the scent of the forest
i am a river and i cry until my pain flows to the earth
it flows to you
but for me you do not cry
----
you are the weakest spot in the universe
where everything flows through the most powerfully
----
should you love me
i would become a seahorse that would be 3 meters above the ground and change color
but be mainly smaragd (emerald) green
----
i touch you to the spot that is in
the neck, the back
the spot you have forgotten
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
wonders in Finland
Whew, I just yesterday came back from a hitch-hiking trip in Northern Carelia and Middle Finland. It was great. Met with a lot of people interested in the stuff I am, warm-hearted, nature-loving people... First I was with people from this group called Juurielo, they're interested in ancient Finnish culture (partly agrarian, partly pre-agrarian), and self-sufficient community lifestyle. We hiked in Koli, it was so stunningly beautiful... lots of elevation and great views and diverse nature and we also rowed a few days on these long boats called "kirkkovene", "church boat", which people used to use every sunday when they went to church across the lake (not to say I would dig churches). And sang some olde folk songs all the while. Then I went to Juuka and hung out with my two friends who do permaculture by themselves, I'm surprised by the vastness of their knowledge about self-sufficiency. Then I went to Saarijärvi to these Stone Age days, there's a kind of outdoors museum, a whole simulation of a Finnish Stone Age village, made according to the foundings they ave of the actual stone age village remnants that have been found on the island. I loved it!! I met some people who practice stone age tecniques that I've been mailing a bit with before... they had cool shows about flint knapping and all this cool gear and it was so cool... and they were nice too.
Then I hitch-hiked back to Helsinki, came home yesterday night. And I'm pretty tired but radiating happiness about seeing all this good stuff happening so near me.
Then I hitch-hiked back to Helsinki, came home yesterday night. And I'm pretty tired but radiating happiness about seeing all this good stuff happening so near me.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Flow - a Storm
To rewild is to
let your dam break
the river wants to flow, the woods want to spread through the concrete, you want to come out of the small place inside yourself where you have snuck to feel safe
The whole world is singing, the whole world is flowing
through you
the world is a river and you are a current, a swirl inside a bigger swirl inside a bigger swirl
to not let go, to not let the current take you, is to hold back, to lie - you can never control anything, and you can never avoid pain
and you will die, after which you will live - after all, it's just changing shape
relax and fall
die and scatter
you will feel pain. but even through pain, you will always be loved
by every being who is not afraid to
be river
because flow is life is celebration
is love
for me, you, us, them
I
a laughing child spirit is swirling in the flow
a poem:
The Laughing Storm God
I have learned to love storms
what greater passion? the tearing gusts, the rage of the wind
the rain falling on you sharp and heavy, the waves of the sea
crashing high to the rocks
the sky roaring and blazing white fire
the storm turns around the earth and the water and the sky
it throws you like a speck of dust
and you will die
but to feel the storm is to feel a pagan god shout and shriek and laugh and dance
her eyes gleaming large and wild
is to feel blood in your veins
is rage is ecstasy
songs: Dature by Tori Amos, Storm by Bjork
let your dam break
the river wants to flow, the woods want to spread through the concrete, you want to come out of the small place inside yourself where you have snuck to feel safe
The whole world is singing, the whole world is flowing
through you
the world is a river and you are a current, a swirl inside a bigger swirl inside a bigger swirl
to not let go, to not let the current take you, is to hold back, to lie - you can never control anything, and you can never avoid pain
and you will die, after which you will live - after all, it's just changing shape
relax and fall
die and scatter
you will feel pain. but even through pain, you will always be loved
by every being who is not afraid to
be river
because flow is life is celebration
is love
for me, you, us, them
I
a laughing child spirit is swirling in the flow
a poem:
The Laughing Storm God
I have learned to love storms
what greater passion? the tearing gusts, the rage of the wind
the rain falling on you sharp and heavy, the waves of the sea
crashing high to the rocks
the sky roaring and blazing white fire
the storm turns around the earth and the water and the sky
it throws you like a speck of dust
and you will die
but to feel the storm is to feel a pagan god shout and shriek and laugh and dance
her eyes gleaming large and wild
is to feel blood in your veins
is rage is ecstasy
songs: Dature by Tori Amos, Storm by Bjork
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
social self-sufficiency/emotional community/mental support
Like I've expressed before, my greatest treshold thus far in living self-sufficiently/primitively has been finding contentment in the social life of the group. I must admit I've only tried living in few of places like these, but in them I've experienced that I haven't found enough/close enough real friends among my "tribemates": at some point living with the people I've realized we really only share the technical part of the earth-based lifestyle. And life like that doesn't fulfill my social and emotional needs (which I realize that may be greater than those of a totally mentally balanced individual, and thus need special attention and energy from the people I live with). Talking about this with people, I've heard that many have experienced the same loneliness and feeling of being different from the others in such communities, and returned to the city where their friends are. It's a problem for many of us trying to live in the forest or countryside. It's a basic human need to bond with the people one lives with, to feel appreciated and able to communicate deeply among them. Like Björk sings, "being involved in the exchange / of human emotions / is ever-so, ever-so satisfying".
Thinking of this, I came up with the term "social self-suffiency", meaning a community where the social life is so rich and love so abundant, that the members of the community can live there without longing for some other places where they would be loved enough. "Emotional community" means essentially the same thing, that there is also honest emotional interaction between the people, not just talking about work and answering "I'm fine" when one is not. This involves also caring about one's community members, and offering them as much support as one can give without sacrifying themselves (well, of course one can always also sacrifice themselves too, if they love a person really much... but I don't expect that from anyone, it doesn't necessarily make the situation better).
Of course I know that it isn't possible for everyone to be happy, to find enough love in every group. I know that friendship is something that happens by itself, and cannot be forced upon people: and I know that I will not find a friend from everyone. But still I wonder, if there could be some way of aiding me and other earth people to become close with each other, not remain strangers. In fact, I think I know some structures: I've experienced the talking stick and victimization-enabling discussion and flagging practises to create a space where people can open up, feeling listened to and respected.
I remember, in the primi camps I've been, some of these methods have been used... Then why wasn't I still able to feel that my aching for attention and being safe in someone's arms would have be seen and cared about? Hmm... maybe I just wasn't open enough about it. I might have been so ashamed about it, being so child-likely unindependent, that I didn't talk loud and clear about it. I used to feel anxious also about my depression and so many other things, and unable to find anyone to feel these things with me. I just wish that in my life I could help other people if they have any problems like these. I think I'll speak about mental support in the next earth people gathering. Afert all, many of us carry pain like mine, civilization wounds everyone.
I've felt so far that the best way one can aid people beginning to trust each other and opening up , is to do that oneself... Just verbalizing all the feelings and needs one has, honestly, simply, with everyone. It breaks the ice. And usually people are interested, and appreciate the trust one shows in revealing her heart to the others. Sometimes it encourages others to use their voice, too.
Yeah, I'll try to talk about this stuff in Rikkaruoho and in Sweden next summer, and everywhere.
Thinking of this, I came up with the term "social self-suffiency", meaning a community where the social life is so rich and love so abundant, that the members of the community can live there without longing for some other places where they would be loved enough. "Emotional community" means essentially the same thing, that there is also honest emotional interaction between the people, not just talking about work and answering "I'm fine" when one is not. This involves also caring about one's community members, and offering them as much support as one can give without sacrifying themselves (well, of course one can always also sacrifice themselves too, if they love a person really much... but I don't expect that from anyone, it doesn't necessarily make the situation better).
Of course I know that it isn't possible for everyone to be happy, to find enough love in every group. I know that friendship is something that happens by itself, and cannot be forced upon people: and I know that I will not find a friend from everyone. But still I wonder, if there could be some way of aiding me and other earth people to become close with each other, not remain strangers. In fact, I think I know some structures: I've experienced the talking stick and victimization-enabling discussion and flagging practises to create a space where people can open up, feeling listened to and respected.
I remember, in the primi camps I've been, some of these methods have been used... Then why wasn't I still able to feel that my aching for attention and being safe in someone's arms would have be seen and cared about? Hmm... maybe I just wasn't open enough about it. I might have been so ashamed about it, being so child-likely unindependent, that I didn't talk loud and clear about it. I used to feel anxious also about my depression and so many other things, and unable to find anyone to feel these things with me. I just wish that in my life I could help other people if they have any problems like these. I think I'll speak about mental support in the next earth people gathering. Afert all, many of us carry pain like mine, civilization wounds everyone.
I've felt so far that the best way one can aid people beginning to trust each other and opening up , is to do that oneself... Just verbalizing all the feelings and needs one has, honestly, simply, with everyone. It breaks the ice. And usually people are interested, and appreciate the trust one shows in revealing her heart to the others. Sometimes it encourages others to use their voice, too.
Yeah, I'll try to talk about this stuff in Rikkaruoho and in Sweden next summer, and everywhere.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A world that speaks, a world that lives
I absolutely need to be in contact with entities that communicate with me. I need to feel pain and joy with them and feel their pain and joy. I need to feel that all the time. During my time in Kuggom, I have found out that if I don't share a connection with the humans around me, I begin to talk with other beings - the forest nearby or someone further. Sometimes, if I'm lonely, I kind of pray for comfort - and I feel many beings answer. I feel that I need a friend with me who would understand me - and I know that these beings exist in the world, some of whom I've met, some I've not (or have I, in dreaming)? Sometimes I call for them ("calling for my soul / from the corners of the world", like Tori Amos sings) to feel that wonderful wordless direct connection - the ease of understanding that I have with my kin. Because it's sometimes hard to be with people who are too different from me. I miss home, my relations that are home.
Sometimes, when I dream, usually in my sleep, I scatter myself, send myself away, relax so that I kind of fall though worlds. This, I feel, is of the same essence of communicating with the world, melting to be the world... This dreaming is what is me, it's what I do. It's what I am as a river, one swirl in a greater river. (I'm sorry if some of you don't understand my language of thought-flow, but it's hard to speak of this in any other way: if you ask, I can try, though.)
I'm certain this could be thought of as psychotic, or shamanistic. One can call this spirituality, or escapism, a voluntary lie or the truth behind it all: but whatever it is, it's something that keeps me sane. Because I can't live in a world that doesn't talk to me, a world that doesn't live.
Sometimes, when I dream, usually in my sleep, I scatter myself, send myself away, relax so that I kind of fall though worlds. This, I feel, is of the same essence of communicating with the world, melting to be the world... This dreaming is what is me, it's what I do. It's what I am as a river, one swirl in a greater river. (I'm sorry if some of you don't understand my language of thought-flow, but it's hard to speak of this in any other way: if you ask, I can try, though.)
I'm certain this could be thought of as psychotic, or shamanistic. One can call this spirituality, or escapism, a voluntary lie or the truth behind it all: but whatever it is, it's something that keeps me sane. Because I can't live in a world that doesn't talk to me, a world that doesn't live.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I want to reach you
It's so strange when people are ... what's the word? Reserved? Very... not doing many things. Just sitting. And eating. Talking a little. Smiling a I'm-expected-to-smile-at-this-point smile. Doing the same motion tracks every single day. Telling nothing about themselves. Are they really scared?
How much of the time are these people playful? Acting stupid, lying on the floor, howling. Why don't they come with me and play that we are storks.
I don't think it's doing really good for me to be somuch with my schoolmates. So many of them behave like robots. I really feel like asking "where are you?" from those people.
I saw a boy do liquid dance in a video. I think I'll liquid dance through the rest of my life.
How much of the time are these people playful? Acting stupid, lying on the floor, howling. Why don't they come with me and play that we are storks.
I don't think it's doing really good for me to be somuch with my schoolmates. So many of them behave like robots. I really feel like asking "where are you?" from those people.
I saw a boy do liquid dance in a video. I think I'll liquid dance through the rest of my life.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
self-love and expressing sexuality (and some personal history)
I could continue from the themes where my last post ended.
In my life there have been great differences in the amount of love I've had for myself. It has usually been parallel with the love I've received. As a child, from home I got controversial signs of love, rejection and violence and at school both a little love and a lot of rejection and violence. I've always been praised by parents and teachers and employers when I get good grades, am efficient, strict on myself, silent, polite, smiling a fake smile. Do as I am told. At school I first got lots of friends, then I only had 1 for 5 years, and then at 14 I started slowly getting more and more. Mostly the social surroundings at school were hell for me, physical and verbal abuse.
Until I was 14, I used to hate myself. I hated my body, had anorectic thoughts (but gladly didn't get dangerously thin), was very perfectionist with all my studies and many hobbies, used to punish myself if I let myself down. I had had suicidal thoughts at times since I was 11. I was very afraid all the time, very shy, I was so tense my sister said my hands didn't move when I walked, and all the time I was frantically trying to act like a normal person so others wouldn't get a reason to bully me. Only after getting more friends at 14, I started to see myself as not repulsive and hopelessly unskilled socially, but something beautiful, like that mermaid or forest spirit I had wished I was for all those years. I met with people who loved the weak, horrified being trapped inside the blank, rigid mask I wore to survive. Slowly I became more loud, more powerful,more fearless, and also, more relaxed, and so began a positive spiral, where I would become more sure of myself and throwing more jokes and brave enough to go talk to people, and I got more and more friends. This is also when I stopped giving a shit about my school grades (also because I got politically active and more aware and realized that the school system sucks) and realized that I could really run away from my parents, whose mental problems and violence were hurting me.
This was when I was 17-18. I had also as a teen found comfort from art: most from Tori Amos's and Björks music. I had never encountered unconditional love as strong as what Björk expresses in her music, and never such dreaming and using one's own voice as in Tori Amos. In that age, I realized that some people loved me, some were indifferent, and some hated or despised me. And I also realized that I would be so much happier if I could just love myself in any place, in any company, whatever I would have done, wholly, unconditionally, the whole way. Truly madly deeply :D because - why wouldn't I? I realized that everybody needs that love, and everybody deserves it. Everyone is understandable, because everyone has their reasons - yes, even psychopaths - that's what I think, and it doensn't make me try stop them using violence any less. Every single being is born as real, and being real and honest is beauty - the Greeks used to have just one word for beauty, goodness, and truth. I see it so that everything has pure intentions. Everything in the world just wants to be happy - just to enjoy. Sometimes they could relate to the suffering of others, sometimes not. Sometimes they try to make everyone else to notice their pain, by inflicting it to others. Sometimes they eat the life of another being to live. So, although I could be cruel and indifferent, and kill for food, I couldn't be evil or ugly in any conditions.
I also realized, that no matter how I would try to appear in front of people, they would always see me as I am. Weak, strong, afraid, wild, beautiful. If I wouldn't show my real self - they would see that I was not trusting.
And today, I love myself all the way. And it's very hard for me to understand if I meet someone who does not show me love. I don't try to make them love me, but I think to myself: "they just don't know they love me". And be that untrue or not, it seems logical to me, and makes me happy. Of course I know I can look like a really funny and clumsy animal, but I have inherent beauty, like everything in the world.
Also in the last years, I've noticed that the more I love myself, the happier and freer I am, and the more I'm able to show my love, give it to everyone I love. I can relax in any company, and that means I can enjoy myself wherever I am. I've also been getting much more sensuous, sensual and sexual, towards the whole world.
I have noticed also in sex, that I'm only able to enjoy when I'm relaxed, not worrying, or thinking about any expectations that I could have of myself. And I'm on my way to learning to reject such sexual come-ons that I don't want, and only do what I want.
I'll probably write about this more later, now I could go to sleep, but one last thought-theme: I would wish to see other people expressing their sexually openly and freely. It's actually strange, that really seldom boys and men show sensuality in a flowing, artistic way. It seems they feel they are only allowed to objectify and be dominating and harsh. It is part of their socialization as males - not to show fragility, vulnerability, their true selves.
Same for girls. They can't show sexual activity, "aggressivity", if you have it. I've recently been unleashing my sexuality more and more, and I've come to see it's very powerful. I'm aware that some people see it as slutty to be very into sex and being sexual with many people. It's so strange - why can't women just let their sexuality blaze? We want to fuck fuckit! XD One of my favourite role models in being a horny female besides Björk and Tori is Peaches. She's great! Rock Show, Hit it Hard, it's just so bright, the energy her energy sets free in me... (by energy in this context I just mean feeling energetic, strong.)
Rewild yourself, rewild your lust!!
In my life there have been great differences in the amount of love I've had for myself. It has usually been parallel with the love I've received. As a child, from home I got controversial signs of love, rejection and violence and at school both a little love and a lot of rejection and violence. I've always been praised by parents and teachers and employers when I get good grades, am efficient, strict on myself, silent, polite, smiling a fake smile. Do as I am told. At school I first got lots of friends, then I only had 1 for 5 years, and then at 14 I started slowly getting more and more. Mostly the social surroundings at school were hell for me, physical and verbal abuse.
Until I was 14, I used to hate myself. I hated my body, had anorectic thoughts (but gladly didn't get dangerously thin), was very perfectionist with all my studies and many hobbies, used to punish myself if I let myself down. I had had suicidal thoughts at times since I was 11. I was very afraid all the time, very shy, I was so tense my sister said my hands didn't move when I walked, and all the time I was frantically trying to act like a normal person so others wouldn't get a reason to bully me. Only after getting more friends at 14, I started to see myself as not repulsive and hopelessly unskilled socially, but something beautiful, like that mermaid or forest spirit I had wished I was for all those years. I met with people who loved the weak, horrified being trapped inside the blank, rigid mask I wore to survive. Slowly I became more loud, more powerful,more fearless, and also, more relaxed, and so began a positive spiral, where I would become more sure of myself and throwing more jokes and brave enough to go talk to people, and I got more and more friends. This is also when I stopped giving a shit about my school grades (also because I got politically active and more aware and realized that the school system sucks) and realized that I could really run away from my parents, whose mental problems and violence were hurting me.
This was when I was 17-18. I had also as a teen found comfort from art: most from Tori Amos's and Björks music. I had never encountered unconditional love as strong as what Björk expresses in her music, and never such dreaming and using one's own voice as in Tori Amos. In that age, I realized that some people loved me, some were indifferent, and some hated or despised me. And I also realized that I would be so much happier if I could just love myself in any place, in any company, whatever I would have done, wholly, unconditionally, the whole way. Truly madly deeply :D because - why wouldn't I? I realized that everybody needs that love, and everybody deserves it. Everyone is understandable, because everyone has their reasons - yes, even psychopaths - that's what I think, and it doensn't make me try stop them using violence any less. Every single being is born as real, and being real and honest is beauty - the Greeks used to have just one word for beauty, goodness, and truth. I see it so that everything has pure intentions. Everything in the world just wants to be happy - just to enjoy. Sometimes they could relate to the suffering of others, sometimes not. Sometimes they try to make everyone else to notice their pain, by inflicting it to others. Sometimes they eat the life of another being to live. So, although I could be cruel and indifferent, and kill for food, I couldn't be evil or ugly in any conditions.
I also realized, that no matter how I would try to appear in front of people, they would always see me as I am. Weak, strong, afraid, wild, beautiful. If I wouldn't show my real self - they would see that I was not trusting.
And today, I love myself all the way. And it's very hard for me to understand if I meet someone who does not show me love. I don't try to make them love me, but I think to myself: "they just don't know they love me". And be that untrue or not, it seems logical to me, and makes me happy. Of course I know I can look like a really funny and clumsy animal, but I have inherent beauty, like everything in the world.
Also in the last years, I've noticed that the more I love myself, the happier and freer I am, and the more I'm able to show my love, give it to everyone I love. I can relax in any company, and that means I can enjoy myself wherever I am. I've also been getting much more sensuous, sensual and sexual, towards the whole world.
I have noticed also in sex, that I'm only able to enjoy when I'm relaxed, not worrying, or thinking about any expectations that I could have of myself. And I'm on my way to learning to reject such sexual come-ons that I don't want, and only do what I want.
I'll probably write about this more later, now I could go to sleep, but one last thought-theme: I would wish to see other people expressing their sexually openly and freely. It's actually strange, that really seldom boys and men show sensuality in a flowing, artistic way. It seems they feel they are only allowed to objectify and be dominating and harsh. It is part of their socialization as males - not to show fragility, vulnerability, their true selves.
Same for girls. They can't show sexual activity, "aggressivity", if you have it. I've recently been unleashing my sexuality more and more, and I've come to see it's very powerful. I'm aware that some people see it as slutty to be very into sex and being sexual with many people. It's so strange - why can't women just let their sexuality blaze? We want to fuck fuckit! XD One of my favourite role models in being a horny female besides Björk and Tori is Peaches. She's great! Rock Show, Hit it Hard, it's just so bright, the energy her energy sets free in me... (by energy in this context I just mean feeling energetic, strong.)
Rewild yourself, rewild your lust!!
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