Tori Amos sings Siren, The Cure sings Forest

You don't need the light on
to guide you

Come closer and see
see into the trees
find the girl
while you can
Come closer and see
see into the dark
just follow your eyes
just follow your eyes

I hear her voice
calling my name
the sound is deep
in the dark
I hear her voice
and start to run
into the trees
into the trees

into the trees

Suddenly I stop
but i know it's too late
I'm lost in a forest
all alone
The girl was never there
it's always the same
I'm running towards nothing
again and again and again

I want my life to be

giving, and hopefully,
receiving

not "taking", reaching for things that go their own way

no time to waste / what happens, happens

I feel like I want to get out of the way of collapsing cities fast. I want to go live in wooden houses with my friends somewhere deeper in wilder Finland. Now.

I'm subscribed to my school, which has its good sides, but I miss community. I miss having community with both humans and everyone else, not just either or the other. I'm not sure whether I should wait until I've gathered some more money, and then go live in a wilder place - when I would have a tentipi and maybe a little other really useful gear. Or should I hurry and go now, for example to Sweden, where some of my rewilder friends live.

I'm also a little uncertain about Aimateka. I miss her all the time. But I try to accept that she goes her own ways. I don't know. I asked her if she wants to live with me or walk with me or be my companion or something like that; she hasn't answered yet. If she doesn't, I guess I'll want some kind of lifemate thing with someone else : the one that loves me and the woods most, I guess.

But I know electricity is going down sooner or later. Probably sooner. And when that happens, I want to be with my dear ones. And preferably in a wooden house, in a land I know.

At the same time I don't want to let fear flow over me... what happens, happens. If I get eaten by hungry citizens on a rampage, then, no can do. Suffering and death are an important part of life.

Jola jola

I have to write quick, so:

1. I think I found some good principles to my life:

Love . cry . rage . die .

Those are four things I've been afraid to do before; I don't want to fear them anymore. They're signs of life.

I also learned that

the opposite of life is not death, but self-disgust.

And that I'm only afraid of emptiness. And that emptiness is maybe an illusion. So perhaps there is not much to be afraid of.


2. My mother and some other people got me to a psychiatric ward again, seemingly because I was

- in love "in a sick way"
- sad and lonely "in a sick way"
- talking to a shrub ... "in a sick way".

not one of which I consider sick. I was not in any way wanting to harm myself or anyone else; but, here I am again. But it seems I'll get out of here soon.

3. A chap called Samppa Korhonen interviewed me to a radio channel called YleX about rewilding. The interview is in Finnish and available here: http://ylex.yle.fi/radio/ohjelmat/ylex-tanaan/mielipidevanki/villiintyja-ennustaa-sivilisaation-romahduksen

I haven't heard it yet because there's no sound on the hospital computer, but since the introduction text at the site is good, I'm pretty sure I'll also be happy with the interview. So, thanks, Samppa!




All in all, I'm feeling pretty fucking good! I love the autumn breeze.