"caring for her is sick and wrong"

I got very emotional reading, actually, the last Harry Potter book. I felt moved, felt love. And I started thinking of Aimateka again. I often do when I'm moved, when I feel I know why I live, what's most important to me.

I'm really struggling with my feelings for her. I don't know if my infatuation with her is sane or insane, healthy or unhealthy. I don't think she feels she has such a connection with me. I don't understand my connection to her, I don't think I understand her that much that often. Or I do in an intellectual sense, but not in an emotional one. Most of the time I'm really confused about what's going on inside of her. She isn't interested in sharing that, at all. I don't know why I'm even so interested in a person who is so, somehow, introverted around me. And still, if I think about her manner of sitting on the floor, anything about her, I feel great tenderness, vulnerability. I undertsand the way her gestures speak to me, of sincerity, of an unexplicable, boundless beauty. I hate it. Because when I think about how she sees me, and I know she has some affection for me, but then again, she doesn't really remember me, she said she had forgotten about me for about two months - I don't know why it hurts. I don't understand why it hurts. I wrote a poem about it. I know she doesn't want me to think this way. This is weak, this does not show independency or strength, this is just another sign that I'm mentally unstable and - for some reason I think - that's one reason she wants to stay far from me. I've been depressed, suicidal. I've gotten the impression she could have wanted to be more with me if I wasn't (I'm not telling everything about it here, I'm saying it more vaguely, because I don't know if it's the right impression, but that was the impression). Because depressed people aren't easy. They need help and it's a strain. And they can die all of a sudden. Maybe she doesn't want to care about me if I could just die at any moment. Well, the poem goes:

The thought that you don't love me
causes me to blindly want death

I know it's Wertherizing. (Goethe's Young Werther's Sufferings or something like that, the story where Werther is desperately in love with a chick and when she rejects Werther, Werther commits suicide. The guy's just devoured by her desperation.) And it sucks. I think Aimateka would absolutely despise it that I'm wertherizing. I think it's just the kind of thinking she hates. Making an infatuation into such drama, so impractical. So no-life for someone's whole life to depend on some chick. But I've gotten that urge, just to run into some blades the moment I realize I'm nothing to her. I want to run into death. It's pathetic. I'm not saying I would feel like hurting myself really, I'm not. I just fantasize about it. And if I died. Haha. Yeah, I'm fantasizing that if I died she would suddenly REALIZE she had loved me all along, just that she hadn't allowed herself to confess it to herself. Pathetic... but it's true. It's quite human. And I don't know why these ridiculous thoughts happen. I've also thought, that if she saw me being happy with someone else, maybe she would again REALIZE that she would want me to be with HER instead that moment. But I know that really, if she saw me with someone else, she would only be relieved that I would be off her back.

How can I love someone who doesn't love me? Marilyn Manson sings "I don't believe in the things that don't believe in me". And why would I? She must be stupid if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love myself, I'm one of the best people I know. She's missing out when she's not with me... although I know also that I can also be a really horrible person. Like everyone...

What the fuck is this one-sided connection? I wish I could stop loving her. I once thought that she is like a small fox that has curled up inside my heart. I want it out of me. I want to kill her from inside of me.

It means nothing to her that I love her. Nothing I'll ever do will make her love me.

I feel so sick. I'm not allowing myself to be so pathetic as to love her and it's making me sick that I can't love her. That what could be beautiful, caring, is so sick and wrong.

on my need of being loved + I want soulmate primitivists!

I'm very much of the time thinking about if I'm loved. It's something I feel I don't get enough of these days. I have very close friends. They feel like soulmates. But I would wish that they were somehow more available to me. Sometimes they feel like being hermits. The only people that are really available to me are my parents. We have some love for each other, but also many problems. I don't feel safe around my father, she is sometimes violent. I don't trust my mother is happy although she says she is and I sense my her needing my company more than feels comfortable to me. My parents don't have many friends at all, and we aren't with our relatives almost ever. My friends are generally not allowed in our (or their) house. I don't really trust my parents. They don't accept or understand me as much as I would hope.

In very many places, I'm driven by the thought: to whose arms can I go to, who can I embrace? Will someone see me, will someone love me? I don't know if this is healthy from a 20-year-old. Is this how a child should feel, the need for attention and tenderness from a caretaker, or is it healthy for adults also to have such a strong need for unconditional love? Am I unhealthy or just more open about my need than others, or both? Have I had too little love as a child, so that I've grown to always have that hunger, that space screaming for someone to fill it, someone's eyes to gaze at me with tenderness? I think everyone does need unconditional love through their lives, but I don't know if I'll ever live in a place where I feel I get enough. I do often feel I get enough when I spend a day with a friend, but after a week I can be again feeling very, somehow, desperate, alone.

I would really like to have someone stay with me. Stand by me. Live with me. Travel with me. Someone I could share thoughts with and hold. I don't need sex. Sex is welcome, but not something I necessarily need another person for. I would be happy if I could sleep next to someone.

I like most people. I want to hold most people. It's strange if they don't. And sad if they don't want to be held by me. But strange as it is, it seems to be the situation with some people. Well, with hippies it's the opposite. They and some random people are very loving and caressing.

I want to live outside of houses. In a yurt or something more primitive. I would like someone to come with me. Anyone? And in general, I would like to know more primitivists, especially in Finland. It would cheer me to learn more skills, help me on my way as a seeker to know native skills.

I have sometimes had trouble with wanting to hug and be sexual with so many people. I'm not so good at polyamorous respect. People have been hurt. I should practice putting a line before sexuality and not crossing it when there's danger someone will be hurt. In the past I've just been shagging everyone and broken hearts of my dearest friends. I don't want that. It would be better to be very strict about who I can shag, what is everyone ok with. But so many times hugging turns to sex. That's just what happens with adults.

I found a link to a primitivists singles group in Yahoo called The Wildhearted Ones. Seems great!

I find soulmates and I find primitivists. I still hope I would find soulmate primitivists to become my tribe and family.

why am I in love

I think about my being in love with this Aimateka human being. It causes me so much joy, and so much pain. I love it that she exists. She is the most beautiful thing I know. But I don't really understand what she feels for me or thinks about me. She went abroad and had said she would give me her e-mail, but hasn't and I don't know why. I have thoughts that maybe she doesn't want to, doesn't want to receive words or anything from me. That she doesn't see me as anything special, anything beautiful or anything she feels affection towards. Doesn't feel it gives her anything that I love her. It doesn't move her, because I'm insignificant. Maybe she feels uncomfortable about me loving her (which would be hard for me to understand. I love her, why wouldn't that be good for her? I don't just love her body or some mirage, I really love her. I love her soul).

I don't like it that I don't really understand from her behaviour if or in what way or how much she loves me. She has shown me affection, but then again, maybe it's just because she pitied me or felt it would be excpected of her. Maybe she doesn't really care about me. I don't think she would come help me if I was breaking down (she came to visit me when I was at a psychiatric ward though). But it may also be because she doesn't have a lot to give from, she isn't maybe doing so well herself that she could give empathy or support. Or maybe she has other things that just interest her a lot more.

I have thoughts that it would be good if I didn't love her since she doesn't maybe love me much at all. I would be a good person. Not desperate. I would have a life, in the 'get a life' sense. I wouldn't ache in vain. I wouldn't bother her. I would be strong, independent, an independent woman. Maybe I want to be like that. Say "Shoos, I don't care about any boys. If they don't value me, they can go their way. I have a full and busy life here at home."

But I can't help it that I think about her almost every day. Almost always when I go to sleep. I hope she knows I'm thinking about her, I hope she feels my love, some warmth, softness, a kind of caress, care. A warm wind. That she knows she's loved. I hope she feels it wherever she is. I wonder if she does. Or if I could become a bird and go to her. In one song from Värttinä they sing "linduisena lenteleisin kullaiseni kantapäil", "as a bird I would fly on the heels of my love". I would be a, what is it, not crow, but the bird that looks like crow except it has also grey feathers. "Varis" in Finnish.

That she exists is proof that the world is beautiful. But also, there's some suffering in her, I think. Somehow she isn't open wide, she has turned inside. Is that the reason she doesn't show love to me, that she hasn't got the courage to love anyone? Or am I just really not her sort, something not-anything? Maybe she's revolted by me. Maybe I should just understand it so that I should keep away from her? She hasn't said that, but does she mean it so? I don't even need to be her partner or lover, I'd just want to be of her tribe. To live in the same place, see her around every day, cook her food, do household work.

There's something wrong with her self-image I think. As if she wouldn't think anyone can love her. I get this impression. She doesn't believe it's her I love.

She says she can't explain what she thinks of me. It seems she has controversial feelings, something untangled inside of her. Or is she afraid to tell me at my face that she wants me to go away? I don't know.

I think I can't help turning my face towards her, dedicating my dances and songs and pictures for her. But like Björk sings "you''ll be given love ... maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at". I need love and to get that, I must go to someone else.

But why do I feel this love? What good is it?

"I'll hide you away from the world you rejected"

I'm fascinated by a song and music video by Kosheen called Hide U, have been for years. The lyrics depict what I've felt for years for some friends who live in a world that hurts them. I've also in a way felt it towards myself. The world consumes us, makes us transparent, tears us apart. There's a fantasy of someone taking one away, so that one would never have to experience the horrors again. So many times I've wanted to take my friends away. They are so precious and I want to spare them from pain. But I have no place to take them.

The video depicts ugly concrete slum buildings and people alone in their flats, most of them showing signs of unhappiness and addiction (although nothing seems to be wrong with the transvestite boy, except living alone in that place). I recognize the atmosphere, that's what fascinates me, it's an atmosphere that has been with me a big part of my life. The ugliness, loneliness (the going home alone to a small flat is a big part of the atmosphere), unhappiness. People that are somehow trapped. The reason they are addicted is the emptiness, lack of community, lack of any compassionate spirit in society. Lack of humanity in the lives they are leading. Just work or school. Thinking about making money. And the music depicts this madness, the wanting to escape. Well, these are the things that I think about the video, not necessarily something the maker meant. Here's the lyrics and a link to the video.

Kosheen - Hide U
If you were in my heart I'd surely not break you
If you were beside me and my love would take you
I'd keep you in safety for ever protect you
I'd hide you away from the world you rejected
I'd hide you
I'd hide you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFaBxE1OzE

"The world you rejected"... hits home. It describes the way I can't deal with this place, I have to curl up and choose not see it, it's so bad that my life depends on it that I don't take it in, don't believe it's true, because if the world is Hell, I feel so much horror that my mind breaks, that I die. Our society is so fucked up. I'm trying to get my ass to some ecovillage or anarcho-primitivist community and hope it's a tad better there. At least there's not the ugly suffocated concrete greyness of the city. The most I hope is that I could get something in my life that resembled a tribe, a family.