civ or me - which of us collapses first? devoured by pain and sorrow

I'm currently on a biking trip with my friend. We've been around in Finland until now, visited the anarchist festival Musta Pispala in Tampere, and then the ecovillages of Keuruu and Gaija. Found some good thoughts and people in all of them. Now we're heading to the south coast, we're gonna bike and take little ferries through the Åland Islands to Stockholm. From Stockholm we'll bike to the anarcho-primitivist camp Urvision, which I'm really anticipating, it's my favourite event of the year.

I've been enjoying the biking and the not-so-civilized areas we've camped in, and the company of my friend. But I notice once more how I nevertheless never stop feeling immense sorrow and pain. How tragic it is that this world is in a sense a paradise but how most humans do not act accordingly these days. Thinking about the roots of civ - of overpopulation, and how to deal with it, how to avoid creating civilizations.

Tori Amos has a song called ii eee, where she sings:

well I know
we're dying
and there's no sign of a parachute
in this chapel, little chapel of love
can't we have a little grace and some elegance
no we scream in cathedrals
why can't it be beautiful
why does there gotta be a sa sa sacrife

I just feel like this way of life isn't life anymore. That living is more about sorrow than joy, more about dying, withering, than blossoming.

I know it's gonna get worse. I know the collapse is gonna bring more suffering right up to my face. But ... do I believe it will get better after the die-off? Is there a future to await, to live for? Will civ collapse in my lifetime, will I get to see the post-collapse world/Scandinavia?

If not, why live? I don't know if there's enough happiness and sanity left in this world to sustain me. And I don't consider it wrong to end my life if I can't bear the pain.

This has lead me to question the purpose of my life... Last year in Poland, one rewilder told me that he wants to do what the land wants him to do. I began to wonder if I feel the world wants me to exist. Do I serve Creation? Does my being bring beauty to the world, does it help and heal others? Or should I rather give space to others and make the world have one less human?

What do I wish still to experience in this world? Do I want to start a rewilding community in some remote place, try to survive the collapse and see if I could ever find a way to live in a community that would feel human, dignified? Do I wish to hold a baby child born in that community and trust that s/he would feel less pain in her life that I have?

Do I want to see light playing in the pine trees?

Prayer to my Land

Those who grow towards the sky, those who swim, fly and creep:
You are my home, you are the dream, the spirit, the magic blown into the land.
I thank you.

My kin whose eyes hold unconditional love:
you take me, with you I belong.
I thank you.

The ability to rest:
You set me free, let me fall into the Flow.
I thank you.

Time, ever constant, ever patient:
you let me dream, let me heal.
I thank you.

where you are present, I heal, I shine, I sing, I blossom.

where you are are not, I cannot be.

poems for Aimateka

raindrops from years

LIGHT

you are a star of the sky
until for me there are no other stars
there is only light

you are the scent of the forest

i am a river and i cry until my pain flows to the earth

it flows to you

but for me you do not cry



----

you are the weakest spot in the universe
where everything flows through the most powerfully

----

should you love me

i would become a seahorse that would be 3 meters above the ground and change color
but be mainly smaragd (emerald) green

----

i touch you to the spot that is in
the neck, the back
the spot you have forgotten