human

I'm going to a place where there is no human yet and be the human there. Build a nest.

I will beckon Grausamkeit (a better name for the best man I've ever met) to come there and give me a child. I want to give a child.

I am bleeding and angry and furious and ... happy

and when he comes I'll be so much happier

I am happiness energy moving spreading for ever

Last Day On Earth

Marilyn Manson - Last Day on Earth

Yesterday was a million years ago
In all my past lives I played an asshole
Now I found you, it's almost too late
And this earth seems obliviating
We are trembling in our crutches
High and dead our skin is glass
I'm so empty here without you
I crack my xerox hands

I know it's the last day on earth
We'll be together while the planet dies
I know it's the last day on earth
We'll never say goodbye

The dogs slaughter each other softly
Love burns it's casualties
We are damaged provider modules
Spill the seeds at our children's feet
I'm so empty here without you
I know they want me dead

I know it's the last day on earth
[chorus repeat]

Trying to grow up / self-reflection on sex addiction

I've been having this thought a lot lately - I'm not really behaving the way I'd like to. I don't feel I'm taking responsibility of myself or other people as well as I'd like to.

Mostly this has to do with sex. I've been having a lot of sex with a lot of different people these last few years, and I don't really know what to think about it. Usually it has been really fun and consensual and uncomplicated, but a few times also really messy and dramatic, and has taught me a lot about expectations and promises and honesty and polyamory and just how intense feelings people easily get about their sexual partners.

I'm afraid I'm somehow addicted to sex. I'm sometimes having sex with people I don't know or even feel I understand much, and it feels weird afterwards, having been in such an intimate situation with people so different from me. But these days I'm almost CONSTANTLY fantasizing about sex. And it has become something like the easiest stress reliever for me. I can forget anything with a good bang. And nothing really compares with the pleasure I get from sex.

I feel I'm constantly medicating myself with thoughts or visuals or music that are pretty sensual, when I'm not having sex. I don't really ever watch porn (I consider porn dramatically less sensual than, say, Yoshitaka Amano's art), but I do feel a great need to see and draw really sensual stuff.

I don't think sexuality or even strong sexuality is by itself a problem - on the contrary, I think that my horniness usually indicates that I'm healthy, inspired, creative, energetic, self-trusting. But these days I find it troubling, somehow - that I don't feel I can control it so well anymore. I don't mean I would go about harassing people (at least no intentionally o_o), it's just really hard to say no to sex even in a situation where it could have bad consequences.

I've been in situations where I meet up with a group of friends and think oh fuck, there's six people here, and I've banged five of them. I just start to anticipate trouble, drama, maybe our friendships breaking because of that. Something similar has already come up in some rewilding camps I've been in.

I don't usually want to be "normal", I usually think my behaviour is healthier or more wild and alive than that of people trapped in cultural appropriateness - when-I-act-like-everybody-else-maybe-no-one-will-bully-me. But in the area of sexual activity, or "promiscuity", I maybe wish I was more "normal". Or, I don't really know anyone else who would be behaving like this (well, it could also be that they do, only they just don't talk about it). I'm afraid it'll lead to trouble. Maybe I'm also afraid of being moralized. I'm not usually afraid of being moralized about something I see as morally right - like the concept of "Ethical slutness", functional, communicative polyamory - but I'm not doing that, to be honest. I'm just fucking around.

Another thing besides breaking up friendships is safe sex. I realized only lately that I've been neglecting protection/pregnancy prevention for a long time now. It's a miracle I haven't got pregnant or sick by now. I was even trying to remember if I had used condoms last summer at all, and I just couldn't remember.

I don't know if I'm still having some self-worth issues, that I'm trying to medicate with sex. Maybe some... Sigh. I also still have a lot of plain need for touch and closeness. But it's really seldom for me to have that without sex. I usually start to react sexually almost everytime a male person touches me.

I'm really confused. It's as if my mind isn't in control anymore. Or, to be more accurate, that I've lost my own will in this.

It helps me a tad to do really creative stuff, or exercise, to deflate some of this horrendous horniness.

And it feels really complicated, also because I feel that there's only one person that I'm really in love with. He's also a person I really trust to care about my well-being. Many of my sexual partners don't always listen to me or put our wants on the same line - they don't let me sleep when I want to sleep, they don't want to use protection ("you can take a morning after pill" - wtf, and fuck up my whole body? Those pills are so strong, it totally messes up your system to use them too often) etc. So. WHY THE HELL DO I HANG AROUND WITH THESE PEOPLE?

I usually consider I have quite a strong sense of self-worth and a sense of self-protection, voting with my feet when I notice someone is abusing me somehow, mentally or physically brainwashing, coercing etc. But when it has to do with sex - I'm like a fucking junkie. I don't care about anything if I get a bang. I kind of even enjoy it when I and the other person totally lose control and don't care about anything anymore. Even about each other.

Maybe I'm a twisted nymphomaniac. I admit, I even think total lack of control and some amount of roughness and neglection is kind of kinky.

But when I end up pregnant, HIV-positive, and having broken up all my friendships - ... This isn't working.

Sometimes I think it's cool to be a sexually active woman and not be afraid of being thought as a slut. Sometimes I think of it as a sign that people must like me if I get laid a lot.

But I'm just not with myself anymore. I'm escaping. I'm not feeling safe.

Almost every time I meet a new interesting male person, my first thought is: "Will we have sex? What if he doesn't think I'm sexually attractive? C'mon, you'd love to, wouldn't you?" I don't rationally think I'll have any more worth from shagging with more people. I'm not collecting a list of bangs (well, I did count them, to compare myself to those who are considered sex addicts - I've been with 21. And I'm 21 years old. I don't think that's too bad yet, but my guts tell me that this isn't the right direction. Or the atmosphere this is happening ain't what I want it to be).

I think this does come down to my self-image. And relationships. Maybe I'm still insecure, although I'm not maybe totally aware of it. Maybe I still want more attention. Closer friends. More stability to my life (I've been mostly homeless from the beginning of June).

Sensuality is the basis of life to me. Sensing, feeling, communicating. But it's not right if I feel constantly restless when I don't get sexual appreciation. I have to sort this out somehow... calm myself... talk about this with someone and get some support.

I'd just really, really like to have relationships where I can trust people, be open with them. I guess I do, with some, maybe even quite many. I just have so much restlessness and anguish.

It's so strange, to in a way feel so strong, self-trusting and independent, and so confused, insecure and lonely.

zomg

Junko Mizuno rocks.

me <3

Pic taken by Samppa Korhonen, the dude who interviewed me about rewilding.



Hmm, I tried to put this as my profile pic, but it didn't work... I don't speak computer, I give up.

purrr.

This is my face when dudes or chicks with mojo step in to the room... with Björk's Hunter humming in the backround. Sudden boost in blood circulation

.

all that glitters

is cold

all that

glitters

is


cold


(Marilyn Manson - Posthuman)

Spring of Hearts

One of my favourite songs of all time. The most merciful. I've been near death a few times, and always then lullabies, soft blankets like this are lowered on me. It's so comforting, so sweet to be sung to sleep by these people. It's like hypothermia: it get's colder and colder

until it's warm and safe and you fall asleep.

And the unavoidable truth of the spring of hearts: When the ice / begins to thaw / oh, you will see /how beautiful we can be

Frozen World - Emilie Simon

Won't you open for me
The door to your ice world
To your white desert

I just want to stare
Out over these snowfields
Until we are one again

We belong to the frozen world

When the ice begins to thaw
Becomes the sea
Oh, you will see
How beautiful we can be

Everything is calm
At the end of the planet
In our white desert

The sun kissed the ice
It glistens for me
And we are one again
We belong to the frozen world

When the ice begins to thaw
Becomes the sea
Oh, you will see
How beautiful we can be

When the ice begins to thaw
Becomes the sea

My name is Luka - Suzanne Vega

I've been listening to this song and crying for some time. It reminds me of my own fucking psycho parents. Real good medicine.

Most of my childhood memories are horrible. If you ask me what I remember of my childhood then almost every fucking thing is something totally horrifying and unbelievable and tragic and confusing. It's horrifying to the extent that it's completely comical. Just plain insane.

But it's so good to cry. I'm sometimes so sad that I forget I'm sad. Because "it's no use" to be sad. You won't "survive" and all those other highly "useful" things when you're sad.

But if you're sad too long without crying, then nothing feels like anything anymore. There is no surviving or life without sorrow. So let's have some Suzanne Vega.

My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes i think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

Just don't ask me what it was (3x)

I think it's 'cause i'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because i'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why

You just don't argue anymore (3x)

Yes i think i'm okay
I walked into the door again
If you ask that's what i'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess i'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown

Just don't ask me how i am (3x)

My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes i think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

Just don't ask me what it was(3x)

They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why

You just don't argue anymore (3x)

about love

I'd really like to have more of this atmosphere in the world generally. The image is Mother and a Child by Picasso.

hot animals

This is from a superwoman called Jessica Tanguay or Skippykangaroo

Crazy Man Michael : Fairport Convention

Crazy Man Michael, he wanders and walks
And talks to the night and the day-oh
But his eyes they are sane and his speech it is plain
And he longs to be far away-oh

Michael he whistles the simplest of tunes
And asks the wild woods their pardon
For his true love is flown into every flower grown
And he must be keeper of the garden

if there is a way to find you I will find you
but will you find me if Neil makes me a tree

Lostfish

A French girl, she's amazing. Elodie is another name she uses

Iro

I'm not translating this song now, but I really love it. It's Iro by Värttinä, you can ask someone Finnish to translate it. I see myself in it, although I think I'm really beautiful, contrary to what the word Iro seems to mean in this song... I'd be a proud Iro girl then I guess.

Iro

(Music & Words: Sari Kaasinen)

Niin ol iro
niin ol iro
tyttö talon taaimmaisen
neiti tuvan takainen

Syntyi tyttö turulassa
taimmaisessa talossa
taimmaisessa talossa
ja talossa, jo-no

Neiti syntyi surun alla
kasvoi koulussa kovassa
kasvoi koulussa kovassa
ja kovassa, jo-no

Tuli iro ilmeeltänsä
varsin ruma varreltansa
kova koulu ilmeen antoi
suru varren vakavoitti

Taakse jäivät tyttöajat
päivät loppui lapsempana
taakse jäivät tyttöajat
tyttöajat, jo-no

Tuli aika miehiin mennä
ottaa uro omaksensa
uro ottaa omaksensa
omaksensa, jo-no

Uskoi uron löytävänsä
naivansa iro isännän
halus miehen maataksensa
iro tytrin tehdäksensä

Niin ol iro
Niin ol iro
tyttö talon taimmaisen
neiti tuvan takainen

Läksi iro etsimähän
uroa yhyttämähän
uroa yhyttämähän
ja uroa, jo-no

Kulki viikon, kulki toisen
vielä kulki kolmannenkin
kulki vielä kolmannenkin
kolmannenkin, jo-no

Ei saant miestä maataksensa
isännäksi ei uroa
jäivät tytrit tekemättä
iro sisaret saamatta

pyhiinvaellus

I want to walk, walk to a sacred place. In Finnish it's called "pyhiinvaellus", walk to holiness or something like that, in English the closest word is maybe pilgrimage.

I just feel a huge pull from a direction, and I feel I can't go anywhere else... I'm in Espoo, in Finland, and it's winter, and it's cold, but I don't even want to carry anything, I just want to walk. I don't even care what happens. This is just the kind of thing that to me seems the most sensible/sensuous thing to do, but what some people think is crazy.

I don't want to do anything else. I can't do anything else. Sure, would be nice if someone came with me. But that's up to them.

And I don't know if I'm interested in "taking care of myself" anymore. I've been "taking care of myself" enough, now I just want to give myself. If other people give me care, then I'm happy, but I feel total disinterest in anything but walking, or lying on the ground, or playing around. I feel complete disinterest in anything but living a human life... I feel disinterest in anything but walking and singing...

what's dying, anyway? If I fall asleep on grass and freeze, there will become spring and I will still be me. I'll just come in many shapes.