human

I'm going to a place where there is no human yet and be the human there. Build a nest.

I will beckon Grausamkeit (a better name for the best man I've ever met) to come there and give me a child. I want to give a child.

I am bleeding and angry and furious and ... happy

and when he comes I'll be so much happier

I am happiness energy moving spreading for ever

Last Day On Earth

Marilyn Manson - Last Day on Earth

Yesterday was a million years ago
In all my past lives I played an asshole
Now I found you, it's almost too late
And this earth seems obliviating
We are trembling in our crutches
High and dead our skin is glass
I'm so empty here without you
I crack my xerox hands

I know it's the last day on earth
We'll be together while the planet dies
I know it's the last day on earth
We'll never say goodbye

The dogs slaughter each other softly
Love burns it's casualties
We are damaged provider modules
Spill the seeds at our children's feet
I'm so empty here without you
I know they want me dead

I know it's the last day on earth
[chorus repeat]

Trying to grow up / self-reflection on sex addiction

I've been having this thought a lot lately - I'm not really behaving the way I'd like to. I don't feel I'm taking responsibility of myself or other people as well as I'd like to.

Mostly this has to do with sex. I've been having a lot of sex with a lot of different people these last few years, and I don't really know what to think about it. Usually it has been really fun and consensual and uncomplicated, but a few times also really messy and dramatic, and has taught me a lot about expectations and promises and honesty and polyamory and just how intense feelings people easily get about their sexual partners.

I'm afraid I'm somehow addicted to sex. I'm sometimes having sex with people I don't know or even feel I understand much, and it feels weird afterwards, having been in such an intimate situation with people so different from me. But these days I'm almost CONSTANTLY fantasizing about sex. And it has become something like the easiest stress reliever for me. I can forget anything with a good bang. And nothing really compares with the pleasure I get from sex.

I feel I'm constantly medicating myself with thoughts or visuals or music that are pretty sensual, when I'm not having sex. I don't really ever watch porn (I consider porn dramatically less sensual than, say, Yoshitaka Amano's art), but I do feel a great need to see and draw really sensual stuff.

I don't think sexuality or even strong sexuality is by itself a problem - on the contrary, I think that my horniness usually indicates that I'm healthy, inspired, creative, energetic, self-trusting. But these days I find it troubling, somehow - that I don't feel I can control it so well anymore. I don't mean I would go about harassing people (at least no intentionally o_o), it's just really hard to say no to sex even in a situation where it could have bad consequences.

I've been in situations where I meet up with a group of friends and think oh fuck, there's six people here, and I've banged five of them. I just start to anticipate trouble, drama, maybe our friendships breaking because of that. Something similar has already come up in some rewilding camps I've been in.

I don't usually want to be "normal", I usually think my behaviour is healthier or more wild and alive than that of people trapped in cultural appropriateness - when-I-act-like-everybody-else-maybe-no-one-will-bully-me. But in the area of sexual activity, or "promiscuity", I maybe wish I was more "normal". Or, I don't really know anyone else who would be behaving like this (well, it could also be that they do, only they just don't talk about it). I'm afraid it'll lead to trouble. Maybe I'm also afraid of being moralized. I'm not usually afraid of being moralized about something I see as morally right - like the concept of "Ethical slutness", functional, communicative polyamory - but I'm not doing that, to be honest. I'm just fucking around.

Another thing besides breaking up friendships is safe sex. I realized only lately that I've been neglecting protection/pregnancy prevention for a long time now. It's a miracle I haven't got pregnant or sick by now. I was even trying to remember if I had used condoms last summer at all, and I just couldn't remember.

I don't know if I'm still having some self-worth issues, that I'm trying to medicate with sex. Maybe some... Sigh. I also still have a lot of plain need for touch and closeness. But it's really seldom for me to have that without sex. I usually start to react sexually almost everytime a male person touches me.

I'm really confused. It's as if my mind isn't in control anymore. Or, to be more accurate, that I've lost my own will in this.

It helps me a tad to do really creative stuff, or exercise, to deflate some of this horrendous horniness.

And it feels really complicated, also because I feel that there's only one person that I'm really in love with. He's also a person I really trust to care about my well-being. Many of my sexual partners don't always listen to me or put our wants on the same line - they don't let me sleep when I want to sleep, they don't want to use protection ("you can take a morning after pill" - wtf, and fuck up my whole body? Those pills are so strong, it totally messes up your system to use them too often) etc. So. WHY THE HELL DO I HANG AROUND WITH THESE PEOPLE?

I usually consider I have quite a strong sense of self-worth and a sense of self-protection, voting with my feet when I notice someone is abusing me somehow, mentally or physically brainwashing, coercing etc. But when it has to do with sex - I'm like a fucking junkie. I don't care about anything if I get a bang. I kind of even enjoy it when I and the other person totally lose control and don't care about anything anymore. Even about each other.

Maybe I'm a twisted nymphomaniac. I admit, I even think total lack of control and some amount of roughness and neglection is kind of kinky.

But when I end up pregnant, HIV-positive, and having broken up all my friendships - ... This isn't working.

Sometimes I think it's cool to be a sexually active woman and not be afraid of being thought as a slut. Sometimes I think of it as a sign that people must like me if I get laid a lot.

But I'm just not with myself anymore. I'm escaping. I'm not feeling safe.

Almost every time I meet a new interesting male person, my first thought is: "Will we have sex? What if he doesn't think I'm sexually attractive? C'mon, you'd love to, wouldn't you?" I don't rationally think I'll have any more worth from shagging with more people. I'm not collecting a list of bangs (well, I did count them, to compare myself to those who are considered sex addicts - I've been with 21. And I'm 21 years old. I don't think that's too bad yet, but my guts tell me that this isn't the right direction. Or the atmosphere this is happening ain't what I want it to be).

I think this does come down to my self-image. And relationships. Maybe I'm still insecure, although I'm not maybe totally aware of it. Maybe I still want more attention. Closer friends. More stability to my life (I've been mostly homeless from the beginning of June).

Sensuality is the basis of life to me. Sensing, feeling, communicating. But it's not right if I feel constantly restless when I don't get sexual appreciation. I have to sort this out somehow... calm myself... talk about this with someone and get some support.

I'd just really, really like to have relationships where I can trust people, be open with them. I guess I do, with some, maybe even quite many. I just have so much restlessness and anguish.

It's so strange, to in a way feel so strong, self-trusting and independent, and so confused, insecure and lonely.

zomg

Junko Mizuno rocks.

me <3

Pic taken by Samppa Korhonen, the dude who interviewed me about rewilding.



Hmm, I tried to put this as my profile pic, but it didn't work... I don't speak computer, I give up.

purrr.

This is my face when dudes or chicks with mojo step in to the room... with Björk's Hunter humming in the backround. Sudden boost in blood circulation

.

all that glitters

is cold

all that

glitters

is


cold


(Marilyn Manson - Posthuman)

Spring of Hearts

One of my favourite songs of all time. The most merciful. I've been near death a few times, and always then lullabies, soft blankets like this are lowered on me. It's so comforting, so sweet to be sung to sleep by these people. It's like hypothermia: it get's colder and colder

until it's warm and safe and you fall asleep.

And the unavoidable truth of the spring of hearts: When the ice / begins to thaw / oh, you will see /how beautiful we can be

Frozen World - Emilie Simon

Won't you open for me
The door to your ice world
To your white desert

I just want to stare
Out over these snowfields
Until we are one again

We belong to the frozen world

When the ice begins to thaw
Becomes the sea
Oh, you will see
How beautiful we can be

Everything is calm
At the end of the planet
In our white desert

The sun kissed the ice
It glistens for me
And we are one again
We belong to the frozen world

When the ice begins to thaw
Becomes the sea
Oh, you will see
How beautiful we can be

When the ice begins to thaw
Becomes the sea

My name is Luka - Suzanne Vega

I've been listening to this song and crying for some time. It reminds me of my own fucking psycho parents. Real good medicine.

Most of my childhood memories are horrible. If you ask me what I remember of my childhood then almost every fucking thing is something totally horrifying and unbelievable and tragic and confusing. It's horrifying to the extent that it's completely comical. Just plain insane.

But it's so good to cry. I'm sometimes so sad that I forget I'm sad. Because "it's no use" to be sad. You won't "survive" and all those other highly "useful" things when you're sad.

But if you're sad too long without crying, then nothing feels like anything anymore. There is no surviving or life without sorrow. So let's have some Suzanne Vega.

My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes i think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

Just don't ask me what it was (3x)

I think it's 'cause i'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because i'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why

You just don't argue anymore (3x)

Yes i think i'm okay
I walked into the door again
If you ask that's what i'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess i'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown

Just don't ask me how i am (3x)

My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes i think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight

Just don't ask me what it was(3x)

They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why

You just don't argue anymore (3x)

about love

I'd really like to have more of this atmosphere in the world generally. The image is Mother and a Child by Picasso.

hot animals

This is from a superwoman called Jessica Tanguay or Skippykangaroo

Crazy Man Michael : Fairport Convention

Crazy Man Michael, he wanders and walks
And talks to the night and the day-oh
But his eyes they are sane and his speech it is plain
And he longs to be far away-oh

Michael he whistles the simplest of tunes
And asks the wild woods their pardon
For his true love is flown into every flower grown
And he must be keeper of the garden

if there is a way to find you I will find you
but will you find me if Neil makes me a tree

Lostfish

A French girl, she's amazing. Elodie is another name she uses

Iro

I'm not translating this song now, but I really love it. It's Iro by Värttinä, you can ask someone Finnish to translate it. I see myself in it, although I think I'm really beautiful, contrary to what the word Iro seems to mean in this song... I'd be a proud Iro girl then I guess.

Iro

(Music & Words: Sari Kaasinen)

Niin ol iro
niin ol iro
tyttö talon taaimmaisen
neiti tuvan takainen

Syntyi tyttö turulassa
taimmaisessa talossa
taimmaisessa talossa
ja talossa, jo-no

Neiti syntyi surun alla
kasvoi koulussa kovassa
kasvoi koulussa kovassa
ja kovassa, jo-no

Tuli iro ilmeeltänsä
varsin ruma varreltansa
kova koulu ilmeen antoi
suru varren vakavoitti

Taakse jäivät tyttöajat
päivät loppui lapsempana
taakse jäivät tyttöajat
tyttöajat, jo-no

Tuli aika miehiin mennä
ottaa uro omaksensa
uro ottaa omaksensa
omaksensa, jo-no

Uskoi uron löytävänsä
naivansa iro isännän
halus miehen maataksensa
iro tytrin tehdäksensä

Niin ol iro
Niin ol iro
tyttö talon taimmaisen
neiti tuvan takainen

Läksi iro etsimähän
uroa yhyttämähän
uroa yhyttämähän
ja uroa, jo-no

Kulki viikon, kulki toisen
vielä kulki kolmannenkin
kulki vielä kolmannenkin
kolmannenkin, jo-no

Ei saant miestä maataksensa
isännäksi ei uroa
jäivät tytrit tekemättä
iro sisaret saamatta

pyhiinvaellus

I want to walk, walk to a sacred place. In Finnish it's called "pyhiinvaellus", walk to holiness or something like that, in English the closest word is maybe pilgrimage.

I just feel a huge pull from a direction, and I feel I can't go anywhere else... I'm in Espoo, in Finland, and it's winter, and it's cold, but I don't even want to carry anything, I just want to walk. I don't even care what happens. This is just the kind of thing that to me seems the most sensible/sensuous thing to do, but what some people think is crazy.

I don't want to do anything else. I can't do anything else. Sure, would be nice if someone came with me. But that's up to them.

And I don't know if I'm interested in "taking care of myself" anymore. I've been "taking care of myself" enough, now I just want to give myself. If other people give me care, then I'm happy, but I feel total disinterest in anything but walking, or lying on the ground, or playing around. I feel complete disinterest in anything but living a human life... I feel disinterest in anything but walking and singing...

what's dying, anyway? If I fall asleep on grass and freeze, there will become spring and I will still be me. I'll just come in many shapes.

Tori Amos sings Siren, The Cure sings Forest

You don't need the light on
to guide you

Come closer and see
see into the trees
find the girl
while you can
Come closer and see
see into the dark
just follow your eyes
just follow your eyes

I hear her voice
calling my name
the sound is deep
in the dark
I hear her voice
and start to run
into the trees
into the trees

into the trees

Suddenly I stop
but i know it's too late
I'm lost in a forest
all alone
The girl was never there
it's always the same
I'm running towards nothing
again and again and again

I want my life to be

giving, and hopefully,
receiving

not "taking", reaching for things that go their own way

no time to waste / what happens, happens

I feel like I want to get out of the way of collapsing cities fast. I want to go live in wooden houses with my friends somewhere deeper in wilder Finland. Now.

I'm subscribed to my school, which has its good sides, but I miss community. I miss having community with both humans and everyone else, not just either or the other. I'm not sure whether I should wait until I've gathered some more money, and then go live in a wilder place - when I would have a tentipi and maybe a little other really useful gear. Or should I hurry and go now, for example to Sweden, where some of my rewilder friends live.

I'm also a little uncertain about Aimateka. I miss her all the time. But I try to accept that she goes her own ways. I don't know. I asked her if she wants to live with me or walk with me or be my companion or something like that; she hasn't answered yet. If she doesn't, I guess I'll want some kind of lifemate thing with someone else : the one that loves me and the woods most, I guess.

But I know electricity is going down sooner or later. Probably sooner. And when that happens, I want to be with my dear ones. And preferably in a wooden house, in a land I know.

At the same time I don't want to let fear flow over me... what happens, happens. If I get eaten by hungry citizens on a rampage, then, no can do. Suffering and death are an important part of life.

Jola jola

I have to write quick, so:

1. I think I found some good principles to my life:

Love . cry . rage . die .

Those are four things I've been afraid to do before; I don't want to fear them anymore. They're signs of life.

I also learned that

the opposite of life is not death, but self-disgust.

And that I'm only afraid of emptiness. And that emptiness is maybe an illusion. So perhaps there is not much to be afraid of.


2. My mother and some other people got me to a psychiatric ward again, seemingly because I was

- in love "in a sick way"
- sad and lonely "in a sick way"
- talking to a shrub ... "in a sick way".

not one of which I consider sick. I was not in any way wanting to harm myself or anyone else; but, here I am again. But it seems I'll get out of here soon.

3. A chap called Samppa Korhonen interviewed me to a radio channel called YleX about rewilding. The interview is in Finnish and available here: http://ylex.yle.fi/radio/ohjelmat/ylex-tanaan/mielipidevanki/villiintyja-ennustaa-sivilisaation-romahduksen

I haven't heard it yet because there's no sound on the hospital computer, but since the introduction text at the site is good, I'm pretty sure I'll also be happy with the interview. So, thanks, Samppa!




All in all, I'm feeling pretty fucking good! I love the autumn breeze.

quite simply

I summon you

- - -

the saddest thing in the world
is the lack of crying


I wrote this next thing for Aimateka
and it's kind of too sacred to be written anywhere
or sung to anyone else than her
but since it might be that she will not receive it (unless she has heard it like I have asked her to, through what is between us), maybe it's good I sing it to
the rest of you

it actually changes every time

first in Finnish, then a clumsy translation.


kuule tämä laulu
minä laulan sinut
ja sinä olet enemmän
kuin mitä minä laulan

sinä olet haikea heinä
ja taivas tummuu maan toisella puolen
sinä olet käsi joka astuu maahan märkää

minä olen huulet jotka koskettavat poskeasi
ja minä olen luonasi aina

minä laulan sinut

sinä olet enemmän kuin huurre
sinä olet enemmän kuin vesi jonka itken maahan ja mereen

minä annan sinulle lauluni
sillä sinut on annettu
ja sinä soit minussa kovempaa

mutta ei ole sanottu, ettei maa nauti
siitä että hän halkeaa ja laava vyöryy rinteillä

....

(this kind of can't be translated really. but I'll do it anyway.

hear this song
i sing you
and you are more
than what i sing

you are hay swaying longingly
and the sky darkens on the other side of Earth
you are the hand that steps on the earth wet

i am the lips that touch your cheek
and i will be with you always

i sing you

you are more than frost
you are more than the water I cry to the earth and to the ocean

i give you my song
because you have been given
and you ring in me louder

but it isn't said
that earth wouldn't enjoy splitting
lava flowing downhill





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and another thing about thing song is it's never finished. what is? and

what can be endured?

go

i need the world
and the world needs me

i need love from people
and have it for most - sincerely
(especially for those who don't try to manipulate me)
but, to my sorrow, it seems everyone does not need it from me

there's someone i'm trying to find and ask her if she wants me to stay with her
for now
i know i want to stay by her side, but it's possible she
does not
i will ask


i would need that, myself
some one, someones
to give to me
come to me, stay with me
for a while
it's unclear: many people say they miss me
but no-one comes

Experiences from Urvision '09 + moving to Tampere

Have been off-comp for a long time, but felt like it would be good to tell something about this year's Urvision for those of you who weren't there. (Urvision = a Rewild Camp in Sweden, organized this year for the third time)

This year I biked to the place (a forest near Stockholm) from Finland with a friend, through the Åland Islands, which was GREAT. We didn't pay anything for the few ferries we had to take in between the islands (only one of them would have cost something, around 10e, but it was easy to just go on board without paying).

I had been aiming to come at the beginning of the camp, at 3.8., but ended up getting there maybe on the 13th. But anyway, I got to be there for some five days of the actual camp, plus a week after that hanging out with others who stayed.

There were a lot of people also this year, around 70-80 at best, I heard. Too many cool people for such a short time! But I guess I'm not better myself, I've never got myself to stay there for longer than a few weeks at a time, with all the work-and-school-shit I still have... But anyway, I felt very good with the people and the atmoshpere, it felt somehow even more relaxed and warm than last year. I was also feeling much stronger mentally, and felt it very easy to take contact with people, smile to them, talk to them, hug them if they seemed up for a hug. I really felt especially good that I was able to hug with so many people along the days, somehow, to feel cared for. Also always (when I had the energy) when I saw someone looking unhappy, I went to ask them if they're ok and try to support them if they weren't, and I felt others were also taking care of me in this way. I think it's really, really important in any gathering or community. Not just taking care of someone's physical injuries, but also giving support when someone is feeling fragile with their hearts. I was thinking of maybe getting some Soul Medics to future camps like this, like I heard they have in JUKSS... meaning people who you can ask emotional and mental support from, if you don't get it from just random campmates.

This year I was much more interested in socializing than anything else. I did attend a few really good workshops, about nuclear resistance in Finland (which is really needed now, there's a lot of nuclear mines and power plants planned to be built here! there's stuff about that in www.nuclearfreefinland.org), and COP15 (although I came only to the end of the workshop), and about being Wild and Queer (it felt like we talked half through the night). Then there was taking part of the basic household work of the camp, dumpstering, cooking, carrying water, etc. And DANCING! And DRUMMING! And SINGING, and swimming, and wandering around in the woods, tasting random pieces of wood and fir needles...

I felt like I got to know better some people I met last year, which is really cool. Some of them plan to stay in the woods for the winter. I was feeling so good about the place, the forest and the lake, that I felt a great urge to also just stay there, start living with those wonderful people... But I felt it was too early, I don't think I could handle the winter yet, I need more experience, more skills, better gear, and I don't feel comfortable about having no money of my own at all, just living on the money of my mother and friends...! So, I decided I'll study in Finland for at least this year, and go to work and maybe even get a driver's licence.

-- end of Urvision story --

Yeah, so I started in this school in Finland a week ago. It's near Tampere (one of the biggest cities), in Hämeenkyrö, a school called Osara. I'm doing a Nature Enterpreuner Programme, learning stuff about wild foods and all kinds of self-suffiency skills (and how to make money with them). It feels like the best place for me now, with lots of sparkly foresty people. It's really amazing how many really cool people there are at our class, with same kinds of interests as I have. I'm really glad I'll probably get to spend a lot of time with them, some of us evenlive at the dormitory. The programme is also cool in the way that we only spend half of the month at the school, and the other half we have "distance studies", when we can basically do what we please (although of course, if you want to do well in the tests, you should do a bit of studying on these weeks also). But I feel so good to have this time and space in my life to work and do REWILDING STUFF. Especially I'm glad that this school is near Tampere, since most of the rewilders I know live around here. I'm sure we'll get some action going together!

I'm wondering if I'll also want to be organizing a Rewild Camp to Finland next summer, not sure if I have the energy and resources... but it's still along way off. (ah yeah and I should contact those people that were interested about it too, who gave me their e-mail addresses...)

I got a mail from Lynx from Four Season Prehistoric Projects (they organize Stone Age lifestyle camps in the US, seems quite cool to me: http://www.hollowtop.com/lynx_shepherd.htm). SHe said they would be coming to visit Finland next February! They would be interested to have a tour at schools and other places where they could have a slideshow and talk about their project, and I promised to scout some pklaces for them. Tell me if you know of some place! I got the impresion they'll also visit Sweden and Norway around then.

My moods are going up and down, glad about the school, but getting anxiety with trying to find a job and a flat, and I get inexplicably nervous and aggressive whenever I visit my parents' house. So I try not to... I also worry a lot about the future. My worst fears are that there's not much healthy land left anymore on this planet, and climate change or nuclear waste or pollutions or anything will destroy even that soon... That when civ has finally crumbled, there's nothing left for even us wild ones to live by. But I still feel some hope of even having some kind of more human existence than the one I've had thus far... I can smell it, I can taste it, when I'm gathering cattails with my friends from the pond, when I'm learning to listen to the land with them in the autumn forest...

civ or me - which of us collapses first? devoured by pain and sorrow

I'm currently on a biking trip with my friend. We've been around in Finland until now, visited the anarchist festival Musta Pispala in Tampere, and then the ecovillages of Keuruu and Gaija. Found some good thoughts and people in all of them. Now we're heading to the south coast, we're gonna bike and take little ferries through the Åland Islands to Stockholm. From Stockholm we'll bike to the anarcho-primitivist camp Urvision, which I'm really anticipating, it's my favourite event of the year.

I've been enjoying the biking and the not-so-civilized areas we've camped in, and the company of my friend. But I notice once more how I nevertheless never stop feeling immense sorrow and pain. How tragic it is that this world is in a sense a paradise but how most humans do not act accordingly these days. Thinking about the roots of civ - of overpopulation, and how to deal with it, how to avoid creating civilizations.

Tori Amos has a song called ii eee, where she sings:

well I know
we're dying
and there's no sign of a parachute
in this chapel, little chapel of love
can't we have a little grace and some elegance
no we scream in cathedrals
why can't it be beautiful
why does there gotta be a sa sa sacrife

I just feel like this way of life isn't life anymore. That living is more about sorrow than joy, more about dying, withering, than blossoming.

I know it's gonna get worse. I know the collapse is gonna bring more suffering right up to my face. But ... do I believe it will get better after the die-off? Is there a future to await, to live for? Will civ collapse in my lifetime, will I get to see the post-collapse world/Scandinavia?

If not, why live? I don't know if there's enough happiness and sanity left in this world to sustain me. And I don't consider it wrong to end my life if I can't bear the pain.

This has lead me to question the purpose of my life... Last year in Poland, one rewilder told me that he wants to do what the land wants him to do. I began to wonder if I feel the world wants me to exist. Do I serve Creation? Does my being bring beauty to the world, does it help and heal others? Or should I rather give space to others and make the world have one less human?

What do I wish still to experience in this world? Do I want to start a rewilding community in some remote place, try to survive the collapse and see if I could ever find a way to live in a community that would feel human, dignified? Do I wish to hold a baby child born in that community and trust that s/he would feel less pain in her life that I have?

Do I want to see light playing in the pine trees?

Prayer to my Land

Those who grow towards the sky, those who swim, fly and creep:
You are my home, you are the dream, the spirit, the magic blown into the land.
I thank you.

My kin whose eyes hold unconditional love:
you take me, with you I belong.
I thank you.

The ability to rest:
You set me free, let me fall into the Flow.
I thank you.

Time, ever constant, ever patient:
you let me dream, let me heal.
I thank you.

where you are present, I heal, I shine, I sing, I blossom.

where you are are not, I cannot be.

poems for Aimateka

raindrops from years

LIGHT

you are a star of the sky
until for me there are no other stars
there is only light

you are the scent of the forest

i am a river and i cry until my pain flows to the earth

it flows to you

but for me you do not cry



----

you are the weakest spot in the universe
where everything flows through the most powerfully

----

should you love me

i would become a seahorse that would be 3 meters above the ground and change color
but be mainly smaragd (emerald) green

----

i touch you to the spot that is in
the neck, the back
the spot you have forgotten

wonders in Finland

Whew, I just yesterday came back from a hitch-hiking trip in Northern Carelia and Middle Finland. It was great. Met with a lot of people interested in the stuff I am, warm-hearted, nature-loving people... First I was with people from this group called Juurielo, they're interested in ancient Finnish culture (partly agrarian, partly pre-agrarian), and self-sufficient community lifestyle. We hiked in Koli, it was so stunningly beautiful... lots of elevation and great views and diverse nature and we also rowed a few days on these long boats called "kirkkovene", "church boat", which people used to use every sunday when they went to church across the lake (not to say I would dig churches). And sang some olde folk songs all the while. Then I went to Juuka and hung out with my two friends who do permaculture by themselves, I'm surprised by the vastness of their knowledge about self-sufficiency. Then I went to Saarijärvi to these Stone Age days, there's a kind of outdoors museum, a whole simulation of a Finnish Stone Age village, made according to the foundings they ave of the actual stone age village remnants that have been found on the island. I loved it!! I met some people who practice stone age tecniques that I've been mailing a bit with before... they had cool shows about flint knapping and all this cool gear and it was so cool... and they were nice too.
Then I hitch-hiked back to Helsinki, came home yesterday night. And I'm pretty tired but radiating happiness about seeing all this good stuff happening so near me.

Flow - a Storm

To rewild is to

let your dam break

the river wants to flow, the woods want to spread through the concrete, you want to come out of the small place inside yourself where you have snuck to feel safe

The whole world is singing, the whole world is flowing

through you

the world is a river and you are a current, a swirl inside a bigger swirl inside a bigger swirl
to not let go, to not let the current take you, is to hold back, to lie - you can never control anything, and you can never avoid pain

and you will die, after which you will live - after all, it's just changing shape

relax and fall

die and scatter

you will feel pain. but even through pain, you will always be loved
by every being who is not afraid to
be river

because flow is life is celebration
is love
for me, you, us, them
I

a laughing child spirit is swirling in the flow


a poem:

The Laughing Storm God

I have learned to love storms
what greater passion? the tearing gusts, the rage of the wind
the rain falling on you sharp and heavy, the waves of the sea
crashing high to the rocks

the sky roaring and blazing white fire

the storm turns around the earth and the water and the sky
it throws you like a speck of dust
and you will die

but to feel the storm is to feel a pagan god shout and shriek and laugh and dance
her eyes gleaming large and wild
is to feel blood in your veins
is rage is ecstasy


songs: Dature by Tori Amos, Storm by Bjork

social self-sufficiency/emotional community/mental support

Like I've expressed before, my greatest treshold thus far in living self-sufficiently/primitively has been finding contentment in the social life of the group. I must admit I've only tried living in few of places like these, but in them I've experienced that I haven't found enough/close enough real friends among my "tribemates": at some point living with the people I've realized we really only share the technical part of the earth-based lifestyle. And life like that doesn't fulfill my social and emotional needs (which I realize that may be greater than those of a totally mentally balanced individual, and thus need special attention and energy from the people I live with). Talking about this with people, I've heard that many have experienced the same loneliness and feeling of being different from the others in such communities, and returned to the city where their friends are. It's a problem for many of us trying to live in the forest or countryside. It's a basic human need to bond with the people one lives with, to feel appreciated and able to communicate deeply among them. Like Björk sings, "being involved in the exchange / of human emotions / is ever-so, ever-so satisfying".

Thinking of this, I came up with the term "social self-suffiency", meaning a community where the social life is so rich and love so abundant, that the members of the community can live there without longing for some other places where they would be loved enough. "Emotional community" means essentially the same thing, that there is also honest emotional interaction between the people, not just talking about work and answering "I'm fine" when one is not. This involves also caring about one's community members, and offering them as much support as one can give without sacrifying themselves (well, of course one can always also sacrifice themselves too, if they love a person really much... but I don't expect that from anyone, it doesn't necessarily make the situation better).

Of course I know that it isn't possible for everyone to be happy, to find enough love in every group. I know that friendship is something that happens by itself, and cannot be forced upon people: and I know that I will not find a friend from everyone. But still I wonder, if there could be some way of aiding me and other earth people to become close with each other, not remain strangers. In fact, I think I know some structures: I've experienced the talking stick and victimization-enabling discussion and flagging practises to create a space where people can open up, feeling listened to and respected.

I remember, in the primi camps I've been, some of these methods have been used... Then why wasn't I still able to feel that my aching for attention and being safe in someone's arms would have be seen and cared about? Hmm... maybe I just wasn't open enough about it. I might have been so ashamed about it, being so child-likely unindependent, that I didn't talk loud and clear about it. I used to feel anxious also about my depression and so many other things, and unable to find anyone to feel these things with me. I just wish that in my life I could help other people if they have any problems like these. I think I'll speak about mental support in the next earth people gathering. Afert all, many of us carry pain like mine, civilization wounds everyone.

I've felt so far that the best way one can aid people beginning to trust each other and opening up , is to do that oneself... Just verbalizing all the feelings and needs one has, honestly, simply, with everyone. It breaks the ice. And usually people are interested, and appreciate the trust one shows in revealing her heart to the others. Sometimes it encourages others to use their voice, too.

Yeah, I'll try to talk about this stuff in Rikkaruoho and in Sweden next summer, and everywhere.

A world that speaks, a world that lives

I absolutely need to be in contact with entities that communicate with me. I need to feel pain and joy with them and feel their pain and joy. I need to feel that all the time. During my time in Kuggom, I have found out that if I don't share a connection with the humans around me, I begin to talk with other beings - the forest nearby or someone further. Sometimes, if I'm lonely, I kind of pray for comfort - and I feel many beings answer. I feel that I need a friend with me who would understand me - and I know that these beings exist in the world, some of whom I've met, some I've not (or have I, in dreaming)? Sometimes I call for them ("calling for my soul / from the corners of the world", like Tori Amos sings) to feel that wonderful wordless direct connection - the ease of understanding that I have with my kin. Because it's sometimes hard to be with people who are too different from me. I miss home, my relations that are home.

Sometimes, when I dream, usually in my sleep, I scatter myself, send myself away, relax so that I kind of fall though worlds. This, I feel, is of the same essence of communicating with the world, melting to be the world... This dreaming is what is me, it's what I do. It's what I am as a river, one swirl in a greater river. (I'm sorry if some of you don't understand my language of thought-flow, but it's hard to speak of this in any other way: if you ask, I can try, though.)

I'm certain this could be thought of as psychotic, or shamanistic. One can call this spirituality, or escapism, a voluntary lie or the truth behind it all: but whatever it is, it's something that keeps me sane. Because I can't live in a world that doesn't talk to me, a world that doesn't live.

I want to reach you

It's so strange when people are ... what's the word? Reserved? Very... not doing many things. Just sitting. And eating. Talking a little. Smiling a I'm-expected-to-smile-at-this-point smile. Doing the same motion tracks every single day. Telling nothing about themselves. Are they really scared?

How much of the time are these people playful? Acting stupid, lying on the floor, howling. Why don't they come with me and play that we are storks.

I don't think it's doing really good for me to be somuch with my schoolmates. So many of them behave like robots. I really feel like asking "where are you?" from those people.

I saw a boy do liquid dance in a video. I think I'll liquid dance through the rest of my life.

self-love and expressing sexuality (and some personal history)

I could continue from the themes where my last post ended.

In my life there have been great differences in the amount of love I've had for myself. It has usually been parallel with the love I've received. As a child, from home I got controversial signs of love, rejection and violence and at school both a little love and a lot of rejection and violence. I've always been praised by parents and teachers and employers when I get good grades, am efficient, strict on myself, silent, polite, smiling a fake smile. Do as I am told. At school I first got lots of friends, then I only had 1 for 5 years, and then at 14 I started slowly getting more and more. Mostly the social surroundings at school were hell for me, physical and verbal abuse.

Until I was 14, I used to hate myself. I hated my body, had anorectic thoughts (but gladly didn't get dangerously thin), was very perfectionist with all my studies and many hobbies, used to punish myself if I let myself down. I had had suicidal thoughts at times since I was 11. I was very afraid all the time, very shy, I was so tense my sister said my hands didn't move when I walked, and all the time I was frantically trying to act like a normal person so others wouldn't get a reason to bully me. Only after getting more friends at 14, I started to see myself as not repulsive and hopelessly unskilled socially, but something beautiful, like that mermaid or forest spirit I had wished I was for all those years. I met with people who loved the weak, horrified being trapped inside the blank, rigid mask I wore to survive. Slowly I became more loud, more powerful,more fearless, and also, more relaxed, and so began a positive spiral, where I would become more sure of myself and throwing more jokes and brave enough to go talk to people, and I got more and more friends. This is also when I stopped giving a shit about my school grades (also because I got politically active and more aware and realized that the school system sucks) and realized that I could really run away from my parents, whose mental problems and violence were hurting me.

This was when I was 17-18. I had also as a teen found comfort from art: most from Tori Amos's and Björks music. I had never encountered unconditional love as strong as what Björk expresses in her music, and never such dreaming and using one's own voice as in Tori Amos. In that age, I realized that some people loved me, some were indifferent, and some hated or despised me. And I also realized that I would be so much happier if I could just love myself in any place, in any company, whatever I would have done, wholly, unconditionally, the whole way. Truly madly deeply :D because - why wouldn't I? I realized that everybody needs that love, and everybody deserves it. Everyone is understandable, because everyone has their reasons - yes, even psychopaths - that's what I think, and it doensn't make me try stop them using violence any less. Every single being is born as real, and being real and honest is beauty - the Greeks used to have just one word for beauty, goodness, and truth. I see it so that everything has pure intentions. Everything in the world just wants to be happy - just to enjoy. Sometimes they could relate to the suffering of others, sometimes not. Sometimes they try to make everyone else to notice their pain, by inflicting it to others. Sometimes they eat the life of another being to live. So, although I could be cruel and indifferent, and kill for food, I couldn't be evil or ugly in any conditions.

I also realized, that no matter how I would try to appear in front of people, they would always see me as I am. Weak, strong, afraid, wild, beautiful. If I wouldn't show my real self - they would see that I was not trusting.

And today, I love myself all the way. And it's very hard for me to understand if I meet someone who does not show me love. I don't try to make them love me, but I think to myself: "they just don't know they love me". And be that untrue or not, it seems logical to me, and makes me happy. Of course I know I can look like a really funny and clumsy animal, but I have inherent beauty, like everything in the world.

Also in the last years, I've noticed that the more I love myself, the happier and freer I am, and the more I'm able to show my love, give it to everyone I love. I can relax in any company, and that means I can enjoy myself wherever I am. I've also been getting much more sensuous, sensual and sexual, towards the whole world.

I have noticed also in sex, that I'm only able to enjoy when I'm relaxed, not worrying, or thinking about any expectations that I could have of myself. And I'm on my way to learning to reject such sexual come-ons that I don't want, and only do what I want.

I'll probably write about this more later, now I could go to sleep, but one last thought-theme: I would wish to see other people expressing their sexually openly and freely. It's actually strange, that really seldom boys and men show sensuality in a flowing, artistic way. It seems they feel they are only allowed to objectify and be dominating and harsh. It is part of their socialization as males - not to show fragility, vulnerability, their true selves.

Same for girls. They can't show sexual activity, "aggressivity", if you have it. I've recently been unleashing my sexuality more and more, and I've come to see it's very powerful. I'm aware that some people see it as slutty to be very into sex and being sexual with many people. It's so strange - why can't women just let their sexuality blaze? We want to fuck fuckit! XD One of my favourite role models in being a horny female besides Björk and Tori is Peaches. She's great! Rock Show, Hit it Hard, it's just so bright, the energy her energy sets free in me... (by energy in this context I just mean feeling energetic, strong.)

Rewild yourself, rewild your lust!!

happyjoyECSTASY + hurtful sex

My spirits have rosen to the sky with the appearance of the sun after winter. I'm feeling much more that the world is open, boundless, much more adventurous, I want to dive in the woods. I'm much more in my element when it's not winter, it feels more the right environment for my kind of animal. I wander and play and jump and sing outside, which I haven't really done much at my school thus far. There's always been so little free time in the light time of the day. Now the day is so long... I can go really far. And I feel the scents of the world.

And some mornings I've woken up at 7am, and walked in the morning mist, the pale sun shining bright, the place sounding like a thousand birds chittering. I saw wild geese and this bird, "tikka", the one who knocks her beak into trees. Wood... pecker?

I feel that the world is so beautiful. That humans really have been gifted a paradise.

I've been feeling extraordinarily happy for the last two weeks, I'm happy from when I wake up to when I go to sleep - although of course I'm always aware of the violence happening in the world. I've been happy to notice, that I don't crave other people's company so much, I'm content in my own playing and dreaming and communicating with the woods around me. I would like this contentment to stay as much as possible - because I do sometimes feel I'm overtly thirsting for someone to see me and love me, I really wonder how that need can sometimes be with me so strongly, because I do meet people who love me very much every week, I know they exist, but in the last year it has been an almost constant feel of loneliness inside of me, that I would need to be with a friend every single day. That has felt like too big a need for attention for a grown-up - I've been thinking if this is just the loneliness I've felt in the passing of all my life that is now just coming to the surface because I'm brave enough to admit it's there.

Some days I've been so happy it could almost be called ecstasy, I've been dancing like crazy for hours, playing instruments, drawing, writing, and been feeling so inspired and energetic that I've been awake for one and a half days at most. I remember what I've been told, that I might be bipolaric, but I wouldn't say this is yet hypomania or anything, I think this is just, being so high about receiving this new view of life which is so full of beauty and joy. Somehow, this spring is my first as a free human after all those years of elementary and high school, where I hated to be. Being in this Kuggom school, learning handicrafts, feels just like learning skills to live the way I want to live.

I'm having a very dear friend of mine stay here with me for the Easter holidays. She's invaluable, I can talk with her about stuff I can't talk about with anyone else. It has felt great to share my distant memories and recent experiences of having been abused/mistreated sexually. I have realized that I have a pattern of both enjoying and suffering from being treated somehow sexually twistedly. I accept and want to be in contact with all sides of myself, also "dark"/cruel/taboo ones. I recognize in myself both an enormous will to love and nurse, and an ability to be unempathetic, to play with living beings as if they wouldn't feel anything, and a side that loves killing, loves blood, destruction, a rage. I think the rage has accumulated in my life... actually now, writing this, it just surfaced. I feel like destroying everything around me. I could shout it out. ------ Well, maybe I'll rather just continue writing. So, I recognize in myself both the abilities to treat other beings well and to treat them completely like playthings, something to tear apart on a whim. And I do express my rage and cruelty through art, and enjoy it (I guess that's called being evil... *grin*)But mainly in my life, I don't want to hurt any being.

So I guess I understand that there is a sadistic part of me. And I've used to think I also have a masochistic side - well, I certainly have, I used to hate myself as a kid, and I tried to be really thin and get the best grades and I used to punish myself when I didn't feel I was good enough. And after being mistreated sexually, it seems I've also developed an ability to enjoy such sex - in fact, talking with my friend, I realized this skill is actually about turning off everything else in myself - all other feelings. I actually just recently was in this situation: I thought I was having sex with a person who loved me, but from her way of treating me I realized she was actually just using me - so then, in my mind, I remember - I slid into a smaller box of feeling, and accepted being used. I actually thought - use me, use me, use me. And I thought I enjoyed it at the moment. But afterwards, I felt such disgust for the person I felt used me, and pain. So I've decided that from now on, for the time being, I'll make sur that I won't have sex where there is the slightest feeling of being used or dominated. And I actually have a lover with whom it's pretty usual nyances of this are present. I'll try to stop being masochistic also sexually and be honest to myself that I don't really enjoyed being treated like that. There's nothing in that that I enjoy. I feel like crying.

And it's so insane - I have so many friends who have been sexually abused. Girls and boys. It's so common in this insane society!

And still, thinking about my sexuality - since I begun loving myself, I've become in all ways braver, more open, and happy, and that has lead to me also being able to release my sexuality, which is very powerful. I feel it's really the same as my joy of life, my inspiration - and it's never something discomforting, I never feel uncomfortably horny, I just feel wonderful, like I could just fuck the world, fuck the fucking walls, anything that's there. Like a cat who walks around purring and rubbing herself unto furniture as she walks past. I think that I also have many experiences of sex as a purely joyful and safe thing, an expression of love. I'm really happy about that, and I try to stick with that kind of sex, that is actually healing, that is one of the most beautiful things that happen in the world.

on closeness/sex - basis for workshop

These notes came when I was planning a closeness/orgy workshop for Urvision 2008 and now, when I'm planning another for Rikkaruoho 2009. The workshops are meant to be discussions, not lectures, but I wanted to list the points that are central for me when thinking about our relation to closeness and sex and that of our society's.

-what does closeness mean for human beings?
-closeness is a necessity for the human animal as a child, and for most of us it is also healing as adults. Do we get enough closeness in young and old age in this culture? How about in other cultures? In some societies (at least some gatherer-hunter societis) children are breastfeeded to the age of 4-6 and carried constantly for at least their first year. In Latino cultures there is more touching. In some cultures it's an offence if one takes one's own lice off herself and doesn't let someone else do it. In some Western elder's nursing homes lonely old people are given robotic pets to hold and care for.
-non-sexual and sexual closeness should be seen as different, in the sense that one should learn to say she wants only non-sexual closeness, if she does.
-what is sex? Our perception of it is usually built on the picture that the media gives of it. Our culture is very fixated on fast vagina-penis copulation, although sex can also be enjoyed in many other ways and paces. In a fine book about polyamory called The Ethical Slut I stumbled upon the thought that sex is whatever feels sexual, for example sharing a milk shake with a lover.
What kind of an idea would we have of sex without the media, if we had while growing up found that tingling feeling on our own, without any assumptions about what it could mean?
-how do we, grown up in this culture, relate to our own bodies? The media depicts only one kind of people, and the hygiene product and make-up industry tries hard to get us doubt our looks and smells are right and beautiful. We grow up to think supermodels are normal and we are not. At least when we go to the swimming hall, we see human bodies in all the varieties they come. When we were in the Anarcho-Primitivist Gathering 2008 in Poland, and spent most of the time quite naked, upon seeing friends and lovers show affection to each other on a party evening, my friend said to me: "It's wonderful to see all these bodies being loved". It made me happy too, all of us with our round bellies and hairy legs and everything getting so many hugs.
We should also remember, that beauty ideals vary in different cultures. For example sturdiness in women has been and is in many cultures an ideal. This can be seen in the old Venus statues and in Finnish folk songs. Also when looking at differents artists' ways of depicting humans, it can be seen that they all love to exaggerate different parts of the body: someone's favourite forms are round shoulders, thick thighs, big noses.
I have read about some Native Americans having the belief that the body is sacred, and that if one does not have respect for their own body, they are showing disrespect to the whole of creation.
-is sex always intimate both physically and emotionally? Are there differences between the two kinds? Can one realx with a new person and trust them to the extent that one is capable of feeling pleasure, and not just think "am I doing this right?" For some of us a trusting atmoshpere is a necessity for sex: "the sexiest thing is trust". I myself feel that often the most satisfying thing about sex is feeling acepted and loved.
-can sex be abused like a drug? It's sometimes used as a source of instant pleasure, a distraction from anxiety. A partner has once said to me "I NEED to have sex with you, I just NEED it", when I had declined her proposition of sex. I felt pressured.
-sexual boundaries: one can ask anything, and one can always answer no
-to have good sex one needs to have strong self love, so that they accept themselves whatever happens, and don't end up doing something they don't want to to get acceptance from others. Listen to yourself, listen to what you want to do, and if you're unsure, stay where you are or stay in the side.
-respect others. Listen to what is comfortable for others, ask if unsure. You can't demand someone to please you. Respect everyone's freedom and own will, that they own their own bodies.

After discussing these themes, I will maybe organize a hugpile for the people who want non-sexual closeness, and an orgy for the people who want to have group sex. This orgy will be centered on respect and some degree of tenderness/carefulness, it's not a place for sadomasochism. We will gather an orgy etiquette on the spot and only those can join who commit to not break the etiquette.

I'll probably add some more on this subject, but here's wht I felt like writing now.

RIKKARUOHO, ecoanarchist action days 8.-10.5. in Helsinki

I got the idea to organize ecoanarchist action days in spring, and soon got a lot of people to do it with me. So it's gonna happen! Here's the ad in textual form (hopefully we get a poster soon as well). Pass this on freely!


RIKKARUOHO (means weed in Finnish, and not pot-weed, just plants you weed from the garden)
Green anarchist action days in Fri8.-Sun10.5.2009
@ Sosiaalikeskus Sompasaari, Kyläsaarenkatu 11, Helsinki, Finland

Workshops
-recognition and use of wild greens
-communities - traditional ecovillages and anarcho-primitivistic/nomadic
-organizing rewilding camps in Finland, for example Anarcho-Primitivist Gathering 2010 in Finland
-primitive skills meetings, local/travelling around
-the situation of the Sámi people
-handicraftsworkshops, for example making baskets/nets/light shoes
-local exchange economies and web forums
-polyamory discussion (polyamory= one has several steady partners/friend-lovers)
-closeness/sex discussion (if we want we can organize separately an orgy too!)
-plant medicine
-natural way to bring children up
-natural birth control
-straight action (or what is is in English?), defending nature
-discussion on where to go to learn primitive skills, schools etc
-climate change
-gene manipulation
-nuclear power

Movies
-Last Yoik in Sámi Forests
-Dead Society
-What a Way to Go: Life at the End of Empire, with clips of Daniel Quinn, Derrick Jensen, Chellis Glendinning, Richard Heinberg, Richard Manning, Jerry Mander and others.

etcetc bring your ideas and movies!

Shopping alley
Sell/give your zines and books! Patches, handicrafts and tables of NGOs related to green anarchism also welcome.

The structure will probably be something like:
09-10 breakfast
10-12 workshop 1
12-13 lunch
13-15 workshop 2
15.30-17.30 workshop 3
17.30-18.30 dinner
movies, playing our own instruments and dancing in the evening

We still need people who could hold workshops, cook vegan food, bring and show movies. Anyone? Mail me! ronja.aarniala@gmail.com And spread this message.
(NOTE: most of these workshops will happen, but a few are still uncertain. We mean to organize at least all the following workshops.)

"caring for her is sick and wrong"

I got very emotional reading, actually, the last Harry Potter book. I felt moved, felt love. And I started thinking of Aimateka again. I often do when I'm moved, when I feel I know why I live, what's most important to me.

I'm really struggling with my feelings for her. I don't know if my infatuation with her is sane or insane, healthy or unhealthy. I don't think she feels she has such a connection with me. I don't understand my connection to her, I don't think I understand her that much that often. Or I do in an intellectual sense, but not in an emotional one. Most of the time I'm really confused about what's going on inside of her. She isn't interested in sharing that, at all. I don't know why I'm even so interested in a person who is so, somehow, introverted around me. And still, if I think about her manner of sitting on the floor, anything about her, I feel great tenderness, vulnerability. I undertsand the way her gestures speak to me, of sincerity, of an unexplicable, boundless beauty. I hate it. Because when I think about how she sees me, and I know she has some affection for me, but then again, she doesn't really remember me, she said she had forgotten about me for about two months - I don't know why it hurts. I don't understand why it hurts. I wrote a poem about it. I know she doesn't want me to think this way. This is weak, this does not show independency or strength, this is just another sign that I'm mentally unstable and - for some reason I think - that's one reason she wants to stay far from me. I've been depressed, suicidal. I've gotten the impression she could have wanted to be more with me if I wasn't (I'm not telling everything about it here, I'm saying it more vaguely, because I don't know if it's the right impression, but that was the impression). Because depressed people aren't easy. They need help and it's a strain. And they can die all of a sudden. Maybe she doesn't want to care about me if I could just die at any moment. Well, the poem goes:

The thought that you don't love me
causes me to blindly want death

I know it's Wertherizing. (Goethe's Young Werther's Sufferings or something like that, the story where Werther is desperately in love with a chick and when she rejects Werther, Werther commits suicide. The guy's just devoured by her desperation.) And it sucks. I think Aimateka would absolutely despise it that I'm wertherizing. I think it's just the kind of thinking she hates. Making an infatuation into such drama, so impractical. So no-life for someone's whole life to depend on some chick. But I've gotten that urge, just to run into some blades the moment I realize I'm nothing to her. I want to run into death. It's pathetic. I'm not saying I would feel like hurting myself really, I'm not. I just fantasize about it. And if I died. Haha. Yeah, I'm fantasizing that if I died she would suddenly REALIZE she had loved me all along, just that she hadn't allowed herself to confess it to herself. Pathetic... but it's true. It's quite human. And I don't know why these ridiculous thoughts happen. I've also thought, that if she saw me being happy with someone else, maybe she would again REALIZE that she would want me to be with HER instead that moment. But I know that really, if she saw me with someone else, she would only be relieved that I would be off her back.

How can I love someone who doesn't love me? Marilyn Manson sings "I don't believe in the things that don't believe in me". And why would I? She must be stupid if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love myself, I'm one of the best people I know. She's missing out when she's not with me... although I know also that I can also be a really horrible person. Like everyone...

What the fuck is this one-sided connection? I wish I could stop loving her. I once thought that she is like a small fox that has curled up inside my heart. I want it out of me. I want to kill her from inside of me.

It means nothing to her that I love her. Nothing I'll ever do will make her love me.

I feel so sick. I'm not allowing myself to be so pathetic as to love her and it's making me sick that I can't love her. That what could be beautiful, caring, is so sick and wrong.

on my need of being loved + I want soulmate primitivists!

I'm very much of the time thinking about if I'm loved. It's something I feel I don't get enough of these days. I have very close friends. They feel like soulmates. But I would wish that they were somehow more available to me. Sometimes they feel like being hermits. The only people that are really available to me are my parents. We have some love for each other, but also many problems. I don't feel safe around my father, she is sometimes violent. I don't trust my mother is happy although she says she is and I sense my her needing my company more than feels comfortable to me. My parents don't have many friends at all, and we aren't with our relatives almost ever. My friends are generally not allowed in our (or their) house. I don't really trust my parents. They don't accept or understand me as much as I would hope.

In very many places, I'm driven by the thought: to whose arms can I go to, who can I embrace? Will someone see me, will someone love me? I don't know if this is healthy from a 20-year-old. Is this how a child should feel, the need for attention and tenderness from a caretaker, or is it healthy for adults also to have such a strong need for unconditional love? Am I unhealthy or just more open about my need than others, or both? Have I had too little love as a child, so that I've grown to always have that hunger, that space screaming for someone to fill it, someone's eyes to gaze at me with tenderness? I think everyone does need unconditional love through their lives, but I don't know if I'll ever live in a place where I feel I get enough. I do often feel I get enough when I spend a day with a friend, but after a week I can be again feeling very, somehow, desperate, alone.

I would really like to have someone stay with me. Stand by me. Live with me. Travel with me. Someone I could share thoughts with and hold. I don't need sex. Sex is welcome, but not something I necessarily need another person for. I would be happy if I could sleep next to someone.

I like most people. I want to hold most people. It's strange if they don't. And sad if they don't want to be held by me. But strange as it is, it seems to be the situation with some people. Well, with hippies it's the opposite. They and some random people are very loving and caressing.

I want to live outside of houses. In a yurt or something more primitive. I would like someone to come with me. Anyone? And in general, I would like to know more primitivists, especially in Finland. It would cheer me to learn more skills, help me on my way as a seeker to know native skills.

I have sometimes had trouble with wanting to hug and be sexual with so many people. I'm not so good at polyamorous respect. People have been hurt. I should practice putting a line before sexuality and not crossing it when there's danger someone will be hurt. In the past I've just been shagging everyone and broken hearts of my dearest friends. I don't want that. It would be better to be very strict about who I can shag, what is everyone ok with. But so many times hugging turns to sex. That's just what happens with adults.

I found a link to a primitivists singles group in Yahoo called The Wildhearted Ones. Seems great!

I find soulmates and I find primitivists. I still hope I would find soulmate primitivists to become my tribe and family.

why am I in love

I think about my being in love with this Aimateka human being. It causes me so much joy, and so much pain. I love it that she exists. She is the most beautiful thing I know. But I don't really understand what she feels for me or thinks about me. She went abroad and had said she would give me her e-mail, but hasn't and I don't know why. I have thoughts that maybe she doesn't want to, doesn't want to receive words or anything from me. That she doesn't see me as anything special, anything beautiful or anything she feels affection towards. Doesn't feel it gives her anything that I love her. It doesn't move her, because I'm insignificant. Maybe she feels uncomfortable about me loving her (which would be hard for me to understand. I love her, why wouldn't that be good for her? I don't just love her body or some mirage, I really love her. I love her soul).

I don't like it that I don't really understand from her behaviour if or in what way or how much she loves me. She has shown me affection, but then again, maybe it's just because she pitied me or felt it would be excpected of her. Maybe she doesn't really care about me. I don't think she would come help me if I was breaking down (she came to visit me when I was at a psychiatric ward though). But it may also be because she doesn't have a lot to give from, she isn't maybe doing so well herself that she could give empathy or support. Or maybe she has other things that just interest her a lot more.

I have thoughts that it would be good if I didn't love her since she doesn't maybe love me much at all. I would be a good person. Not desperate. I would have a life, in the 'get a life' sense. I wouldn't ache in vain. I wouldn't bother her. I would be strong, independent, an independent woman. Maybe I want to be like that. Say "Shoos, I don't care about any boys. If they don't value me, they can go their way. I have a full and busy life here at home."

But I can't help it that I think about her almost every day. Almost always when I go to sleep. I hope she knows I'm thinking about her, I hope she feels my love, some warmth, softness, a kind of caress, care. A warm wind. That she knows she's loved. I hope she feels it wherever she is. I wonder if she does. Or if I could become a bird and go to her. In one song from Värttinä they sing "linduisena lenteleisin kullaiseni kantapäil", "as a bird I would fly on the heels of my love". I would be a, what is it, not crow, but the bird that looks like crow except it has also grey feathers. "Varis" in Finnish.

That she exists is proof that the world is beautiful. But also, there's some suffering in her, I think. Somehow she isn't open wide, she has turned inside. Is that the reason she doesn't show love to me, that she hasn't got the courage to love anyone? Or am I just really not her sort, something not-anything? Maybe she's revolted by me. Maybe I should just understand it so that I should keep away from her? She hasn't said that, but does she mean it so? I don't even need to be her partner or lover, I'd just want to be of her tribe. To live in the same place, see her around every day, cook her food, do household work.

There's something wrong with her self-image I think. As if she wouldn't think anyone can love her. I get this impression. She doesn't believe it's her I love.

She says she can't explain what she thinks of me. It seems she has controversial feelings, something untangled inside of her. Or is she afraid to tell me at my face that she wants me to go away? I don't know.

I think I can't help turning my face towards her, dedicating my dances and songs and pictures for her. But like Björk sings "you''ll be given love ... maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at". I need love and to get that, I must go to someone else.

But why do I feel this love? What good is it?

"I'll hide you away from the world you rejected"

I'm fascinated by a song and music video by Kosheen called Hide U, have been for years. The lyrics depict what I've felt for years for some friends who live in a world that hurts them. I've also in a way felt it towards myself. The world consumes us, makes us transparent, tears us apart. There's a fantasy of someone taking one away, so that one would never have to experience the horrors again. So many times I've wanted to take my friends away. They are so precious and I want to spare them from pain. But I have no place to take them.

The video depicts ugly concrete slum buildings and people alone in their flats, most of them showing signs of unhappiness and addiction (although nothing seems to be wrong with the transvestite boy, except living alone in that place). I recognize the atmosphere, that's what fascinates me, it's an atmosphere that has been with me a big part of my life. The ugliness, loneliness (the going home alone to a small flat is a big part of the atmosphere), unhappiness. People that are somehow trapped. The reason they are addicted is the emptiness, lack of community, lack of any compassionate spirit in society. Lack of humanity in the lives they are leading. Just work or school. Thinking about making money. And the music depicts this madness, the wanting to escape. Well, these are the things that I think about the video, not necessarily something the maker meant. Here's the lyrics and a link to the video.

Kosheen - Hide U
If you were in my heart I'd surely not break you
If you were beside me and my love would take you
I'd keep you in safety for ever protect you
I'd hide you away from the world you rejected
I'd hide you
I'd hide you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFaBxE1OzE

"The world you rejected"... hits home. It describes the way I can't deal with this place, I have to curl up and choose not see it, it's so bad that my life depends on it that I don't take it in, don't believe it's true, because if the world is Hell, I feel so much horror that my mind breaks, that I die. Our society is so fucked up. I'm trying to get my ass to some ecovillage or anarcho-primitivist community and hope it's a tad better there. At least there's not the ugly suffocated concrete greyness of the city. The most I hope is that I could get something in my life that resembled a tribe, a family.