on my need of being loved + I want soulmate primitivists!

I'm very much of the time thinking about if I'm loved. It's something I feel I don't get enough of these days. I have very close friends. They feel like soulmates. But I would wish that they were somehow more available to me. Sometimes they feel like being hermits. The only people that are really available to me are my parents. We have some love for each other, but also many problems. I don't feel safe around my father, she is sometimes violent. I don't trust my mother is happy although she says she is and I sense my her needing my company more than feels comfortable to me. My parents don't have many friends at all, and we aren't with our relatives almost ever. My friends are generally not allowed in our (or their) house. I don't really trust my parents. They don't accept or understand me as much as I would hope.

In very many places, I'm driven by the thought: to whose arms can I go to, who can I embrace? Will someone see me, will someone love me? I don't know if this is healthy from a 20-year-old. Is this how a child should feel, the need for attention and tenderness from a caretaker, or is it healthy for adults also to have such a strong need for unconditional love? Am I unhealthy or just more open about my need than others, or both? Have I had too little love as a child, so that I've grown to always have that hunger, that space screaming for someone to fill it, someone's eyes to gaze at me with tenderness? I think everyone does need unconditional love through their lives, but I don't know if I'll ever live in a place where I feel I get enough. I do often feel I get enough when I spend a day with a friend, but after a week I can be again feeling very, somehow, desperate, alone.

I would really like to have someone stay with me. Stand by me. Live with me. Travel with me. Someone I could share thoughts with and hold. I don't need sex. Sex is welcome, but not something I necessarily need another person for. I would be happy if I could sleep next to someone.

I like most people. I want to hold most people. It's strange if they don't. And sad if they don't want to be held by me. But strange as it is, it seems to be the situation with some people. Well, with hippies it's the opposite. They and some random people are very loving and caressing.

I want to live outside of houses. In a yurt or something more primitive. I would like someone to come with me. Anyone? And in general, I would like to know more primitivists, especially in Finland. It would cheer me to learn more skills, help me on my way as a seeker to know native skills.

I have sometimes had trouble with wanting to hug and be sexual with so many people. I'm not so good at polyamorous respect. People have been hurt. I should practice putting a line before sexuality and not crossing it when there's danger someone will be hurt. In the past I've just been shagging everyone and broken hearts of my dearest friends. I don't want that. It would be better to be very strict about who I can shag, what is everyone ok with. But so many times hugging turns to sex. That's just what happens with adults.

I found a link to a primitivists singles group in Yahoo called The Wildhearted Ones. Seems great!

I find soulmates and I find primitivists. I still hope I would find soulmate primitivists to become my tribe and family.