I got very emotional reading, actually, the last Harry Potter book. I felt moved, felt love. And I started thinking of Aimateka again. I often do when I'm moved, when I feel I know why I live, what's most important to me.
I'm really struggling with my feelings for her. I don't know if my infatuation with her is sane or insane, healthy or unhealthy. I don't think she feels she has such a connection with me. I don't understand my connection to her, I don't think I understand her that much that often. Or I do in an intellectual sense, but not in an emotional one. Most of the time I'm really confused about what's going on inside of her. She isn't interested in sharing that, at all. I don't know why I'm even so interested in a person who is so, somehow, introverted around me. And still, if I think about her manner of sitting on the floor, anything about her, I feel great tenderness, vulnerability. I undertsand the way her gestures speak to me, of sincerity, of an unexplicable, boundless beauty. I hate it. Because when I think about how she sees me, and I know she has some affection for me, but then again, she doesn't really remember me, she said she had forgotten about me for about two months - I don't know why it hurts. I don't understand why it hurts. I wrote a poem about it. I know she doesn't want me to think this way. This is weak, this does not show independency or strength, this is just another sign that I'm mentally unstable and - for some reason I think - that's one reason she wants to stay far from me. I've been depressed, suicidal. I've gotten the impression she could have wanted to be more with me if I wasn't (I'm not telling everything about it here, I'm saying it more vaguely, because I don't know if it's the right impression, but that was the impression). Because depressed people aren't easy. They need help and it's a strain. And they can die all of a sudden. Maybe she doesn't want to care about me if I could just die at any moment. Well, the poem goes:
The thought that you don't love me
causes me to blindly want death
I know it's Wertherizing. (Goethe's Young Werther's Sufferings or something like that, the story where Werther is desperately in love with a chick and when she rejects Werther, Werther commits suicide. The guy's just devoured by her desperation.) And it sucks. I think Aimateka would absolutely despise it that I'm wertherizing. I think it's just the kind of thinking she hates. Making an infatuation into such drama, so impractical. So no-life for someone's whole life to depend on some chick. But I've gotten that urge, just to run into some blades the moment I realize I'm nothing to her. I want to run into death. It's pathetic. I'm not saying I would feel like hurting myself really, I'm not. I just fantasize about it. And if I died. Haha. Yeah, I'm fantasizing that if I died she would suddenly REALIZE she had loved me all along, just that she hadn't allowed herself to confess it to herself. Pathetic... but it's true. It's quite human. And I don't know why these ridiculous thoughts happen. I've also thought, that if she saw me being happy with someone else, maybe she would again REALIZE that she would want me to be with HER instead that moment. But I know that really, if she saw me with someone else, she would only be relieved that I would be off her back.
How can I love someone who doesn't love me? Marilyn Manson sings "I don't believe in the things that don't believe in me". And why would I? She must be stupid if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love myself, I'm one of the best people I know. She's missing out when she's not with me... although I know also that I can also be a really horrible person. Like everyone...
What the fuck is this one-sided connection? I wish I could stop loving her. I once thought that she is like a small fox that has curled up inside my heart. I want it out of me. I want to kill her from inside of me.
It means nothing to her that I love her. Nothing I'll ever do will make her love me.
I feel so sick. I'm not allowing myself to be so pathetic as to love her and it's making me sick that I can't love her. That what could be beautiful, caring, is so sick and wrong.
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That kind of love is so fucked up!
I know it all too well myself.
What's the reason?
Why does it happen?
It makes no sense.
Looks alone don't cut it,
personality,
movements,
all of it is so transient and there's plenty of all of it around.
What makes them special?
They don't exactly give you much hope (..only a little hope).
You might not even really know them.
Or might not know them at all.
But everything about them makes you
kinda' crazy.
I got those two guys too,
whom I verily wertherized over for eons,
whom I've no good reason to love,
but no matter how many crushes I have,
and how I choose to not think about it,
I still kinda' love them.
If they show up
or if
something makes me think about them.
It still tugs my heart.
I still swoon.
What magic do they have?
Maybe we love the what if.
That little nectar drop of hope in the ocean.
Maybe all that salt just makes it
taste extra sweet.
Or maybe they love us too and just don't fully know it yet, hm?
I don't have clever advice,
other than to lean toward thinking about other things instead;
because thinking about things,
(like desperation),
makes them usually grow.
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