why am I in love

I think about my being in love with this Aimateka human being. It causes me so much joy, and so much pain. I love it that she exists. She is the most beautiful thing I know. But I don't really understand what she feels for me or thinks about me. She went abroad and had said she would give me her e-mail, but hasn't and I don't know why. I have thoughts that maybe she doesn't want to, doesn't want to receive words or anything from me. That she doesn't see me as anything special, anything beautiful or anything she feels affection towards. Doesn't feel it gives her anything that I love her. It doesn't move her, because I'm insignificant. Maybe she feels uncomfortable about me loving her (which would be hard for me to understand. I love her, why wouldn't that be good for her? I don't just love her body or some mirage, I really love her. I love her soul).

I don't like it that I don't really understand from her behaviour if or in what way or how much she loves me. She has shown me affection, but then again, maybe it's just because she pitied me or felt it would be excpected of her. Maybe she doesn't really care about me. I don't think she would come help me if I was breaking down (she came to visit me when I was at a psychiatric ward though). But it may also be because she doesn't have a lot to give from, she isn't maybe doing so well herself that she could give empathy or support. Or maybe she has other things that just interest her a lot more.

I have thoughts that it would be good if I didn't love her since she doesn't maybe love me much at all. I would be a good person. Not desperate. I would have a life, in the 'get a life' sense. I wouldn't ache in vain. I wouldn't bother her. I would be strong, independent, an independent woman. Maybe I want to be like that. Say "Shoos, I don't care about any boys. If they don't value me, they can go their way. I have a full and busy life here at home."

But I can't help it that I think about her almost every day. Almost always when I go to sleep. I hope she knows I'm thinking about her, I hope she feels my love, some warmth, softness, a kind of caress, care. A warm wind. That she knows she's loved. I hope she feels it wherever she is. I wonder if she does. Or if I could become a bird and go to her. In one song from Värttinä they sing "linduisena lenteleisin kullaiseni kantapäil", "as a bird I would fly on the heels of my love". I would be a, what is it, not crow, but the bird that looks like crow except it has also grey feathers. "Varis" in Finnish.

That she exists is proof that the world is beautiful. But also, there's some suffering in her, I think. Somehow she isn't open wide, she has turned inside. Is that the reason she doesn't show love to me, that she hasn't got the courage to love anyone? Or am I just really not her sort, something not-anything? Maybe she's revolted by me. Maybe I should just understand it so that I should keep away from her? She hasn't said that, but does she mean it so? I don't even need to be her partner or lover, I'd just want to be of her tribe. To live in the same place, see her around every day, cook her food, do household work.

There's something wrong with her self-image I think. As if she wouldn't think anyone can love her. I get this impression. She doesn't believe it's her I love.

She says she can't explain what she thinks of me. It seems she has controversial feelings, something untangled inside of her. Or is she afraid to tell me at my face that she wants me to go away? I don't know.

I think I can't help turning my face towards her, dedicating my dances and songs and pictures for her. But like Björk sings "you''ll be given love ... maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at". I need love and to get that, I must go to someone else.

But why do I feel this love? What good is it?