happyjoyECSTASY + hurtful sex

My spirits have rosen to the sky with the appearance of the sun after winter. I'm feeling much more that the world is open, boundless, much more adventurous, I want to dive in the woods. I'm much more in my element when it's not winter, it feels more the right environment for my kind of animal. I wander and play and jump and sing outside, which I haven't really done much at my school thus far. There's always been so little free time in the light time of the day. Now the day is so long... I can go really far. And I feel the scents of the world.

And some mornings I've woken up at 7am, and walked in the morning mist, the pale sun shining bright, the place sounding like a thousand birds chittering. I saw wild geese and this bird, "tikka", the one who knocks her beak into trees. Wood... pecker?

I feel that the world is so beautiful. That humans really have been gifted a paradise.

I've been feeling extraordinarily happy for the last two weeks, I'm happy from when I wake up to when I go to sleep - although of course I'm always aware of the violence happening in the world. I've been happy to notice, that I don't crave other people's company so much, I'm content in my own playing and dreaming and communicating with the woods around me. I would like this contentment to stay as much as possible - because I do sometimes feel I'm overtly thirsting for someone to see me and love me, I really wonder how that need can sometimes be with me so strongly, because I do meet people who love me very much every week, I know they exist, but in the last year it has been an almost constant feel of loneliness inside of me, that I would need to be with a friend every single day. That has felt like too big a need for attention for a grown-up - I've been thinking if this is just the loneliness I've felt in the passing of all my life that is now just coming to the surface because I'm brave enough to admit it's there.

Some days I've been so happy it could almost be called ecstasy, I've been dancing like crazy for hours, playing instruments, drawing, writing, and been feeling so inspired and energetic that I've been awake for one and a half days at most. I remember what I've been told, that I might be bipolaric, but I wouldn't say this is yet hypomania or anything, I think this is just, being so high about receiving this new view of life which is so full of beauty and joy. Somehow, this spring is my first as a free human after all those years of elementary and high school, where I hated to be. Being in this Kuggom school, learning handicrafts, feels just like learning skills to live the way I want to live.

I'm having a very dear friend of mine stay here with me for the Easter holidays. She's invaluable, I can talk with her about stuff I can't talk about with anyone else. It has felt great to share my distant memories and recent experiences of having been abused/mistreated sexually. I have realized that I have a pattern of both enjoying and suffering from being treated somehow sexually twistedly. I accept and want to be in contact with all sides of myself, also "dark"/cruel/taboo ones. I recognize in myself both an enormous will to love and nurse, and an ability to be unempathetic, to play with living beings as if they wouldn't feel anything, and a side that loves killing, loves blood, destruction, a rage. I think the rage has accumulated in my life... actually now, writing this, it just surfaced. I feel like destroying everything around me. I could shout it out. ------ Well, maybe I'll rather just continue writing. So, I recognize in myself both the abilities to treat other beings well and to treat them completely like playthings, something to tear apart on a whim. And I do express my rage and cruelty through art, and enjoy it (I guess that's called being evil... *grin*)But mainly in my life, I don't want to hurt any being.

So I guess I understand that there is a sadistic part of me. And I've used to think I also have a masochistic side - well, I certainly have, I used to hate myself as a kid, and I tried to be really thin and get the best grades and I used to punish myself when I didn't feel I was good enough. And after being mistreated sexually, it seems I've also developed an ability to enjoy such sex - in fact, talking with my friend, I realized this skill is actually about turning off everything else in myself - all other feelings. I actually just recently was in this situation: I thought I was having sex with a person who loved me, but from her way of treating me I realized she was actually just using me - so then, in my mind, I remember - I slid into a smaller box of feeling, and accepted being used. I actually thought - use me, use me, use me. And I thought I enjoyed it at the moment. But afterwards, I felt such disgust for the person I felt used me, and pain. So I've decided that from now on, for the time being, I'll make sur that I won't have sex where there is the slightest feeling of being used or dominated. And I actually have a lover with whom it's pretty usual nyances of this are present. I'll try to stop being masochistic also sexually and be honest to myself that I don't really enjoyed being treated like that. There's nothing in that that I enjoy. I feel like crying.

And it's so insane - I have so many friends who have been sexually abused. Girls and boys. It's so common in this insane society!

And still, thinking about my sexuality - since I begun loving myself, I've become in all ways braver, more open, and happy, and that has lead to me also being able to release my sexuality, which is very powerful. I feel it's really the same as my joy of life, my inspiration - and it's never something discomforting, I never feel uncomfortably horny, I just feel wonderful, like I could just fuck the world, fuck the fucking walls, anything that's there. Like a cat who walks around purring and rubbing herself unto furniture as she walks past. I think that I also have many experiences of sex as a purely joyful and safe thing, an expression of love. I'm really happy about that, and I try to stick with that kind of sex, that is actually healing, that is one of the most beautiful things that happen in the world.