self-love and expressing sexuality (and some personal history)

I could continue from the themes where my last post ended.

In my life there have been great differences in the amount of love I've had for myself. It has usually been parallel with the love I've received. As a child, from home I got controversial signs of love, rejection and violence and at school both a little love and a lot of rejection and violence. I've always been praised by parents and teachers and employers when I get good grades, am efficient, strict on myself, silent, polite, smiling a fake smile. Do as I am told. At school I first got lots of friends, then I only had 1 for 5 years, and then at 14 I started slowly getting more and more. Mostly the social surroundings at school were hell for me, physical and verbal abuse.

Until I was 14, I used to hate myself. I hated my body, had anorectic thoughts (but gladly didn't get dangerously thin), was very perfectionist with all my studies and many hobbies, used to punish myself if I let myself down. I had had suicidal thoughts at times since I was 11. I was very afraid all the time, very shy, I was so tense my sister said my hands didn't move when I walked, and all the time I was frantically trying to act like a normal person so others wouldn't get a reason to bully me. Only after getting more friends at 14, I started to see myself as not repulsive and hopelessly unskilled socially, but something beautiful, like that mermaid or forest spirit I had wished I was for all those years. I met with people who loved the weak, horrified being trapped inside the blank, rigid mask I wore to survive. Slowly I became more loud, more powerful,more fearless, and also, more relaxed, and so began a positive spiral, where I would become more sure of myself and throwing more jokes and brave enough to go talk to people, and I got more and more friends. This is also when I stopped giving a shit about my school grades (also because I got politically active and more aware and realized that the school system sucks) and realized that I could really run away from my parents, whose mental problems and violence were hurting me.

This was when I was 17-18. I had also as a teen found comfort from art: most from Tori Amos's and Björks music. I had never encountered unconditional love as strong as what Björk expresses in her music, and never such dreaming and using one's own voice as in Tori Amos. In that age, I realized that some people loved me, some were indifferent, and some hated or despised me. And I also realized that I would be so much happier if I could just love myself in any place, in any company, whatever I would have done, wholly, unconditionally, the whole way. Truly madly deeply :D because - why wouldn't I? I realized that everybody needs that love, and everybody deserves it. Everyone is understandable, because everyone has their reasons - yes, even psychopaths - that's what I think, and it doensn't make me try stop them using violence any less. Every single being is born as real, and being real and honest is beauty - the Greeks used to have just one word for beauty, goodness, and truth. I see it so that everything has pure intentions. Everything in the world just wants to be happy - just to enjoy. Sometimes they could relate to the suffering of others, sometimes not. Sometimes they try to make everyone else to notice their pain, by inflicting it to others. Sometimes they eat the life of another being to live. So, although I could be cruel and indifferent, and kill for food, I couldn't be evil or ugly in any conditions.

I also realized, that no matter how I would try to appear in front of people, they would always see me as I am. Weak, strong, afraid, wild, beautiful. If I wouldn't show my real self - they would see that I was not trusting.

And today, I love myself all the way. And it's very hard for me to understand if I meet someone who does not show me love. I don't try to make them love me, but I think to myself: "they just don't know they love me". And be that untrue or not, it seems logical to me, and makes me happy. Of course I know I can look like a really funny and clumsy animal, but I have inherent beauty, like everything in the world.

Also in the last years, I've noticed that the more I love myself, the happier and freer I am, and the more I'm able to show my love, give it to everyone I love. I can relax in any company, and that means I can enjoy myself wherever I am. I've also been getting much more sensuous, sensual and sexual, towards the whole world.

I have noticed also in sex, that I'm only able to enjoy when I'm relaxed, not worrying, or thinking about any expectations that I could have of myself. And I'm on my way to learning to reject such sexual come-ons that I don't want, and only do what I want.

I'll probably write about this more later, now I could go to sleep, but one last thought-theme: I would wish to see other people expressing their sexually openly and freely. It's actually strange, that really seldom boys and men show sensuality in a flowing, artistic way. It seems they feel they are only allowed to objectify and be dominating and harsh. It is part of their socialization as males - not to show fragility, vulnerability, their true selves.

Same for girls. They can't show sexual activity, "aggressivity", if you have it. I've recently been unleashing my sexuality more and more, and I've come to see it's very powerful. I'm aware that some people see it as slutty to be very into sex and being sexual with many people. It's so strange - why can't women just let their sexuality blaze? We want to fuck fuckit! XD One of my favourite role models in being a horny female besides Björk and Tori is Peaches. She's great! Rock Show, Hit it Hard, it's just so bright, the energy her energy sets free in me... (by energy in this context I just mean feeling energetic, strong.)

Rewild yourself, rewild your lust!!