Like I've expressed before, my greatest treshold thus far in living self-sufficiently/primitively has been finding contentment in the social life of the group. I must admit I've only tried living in few of places like these, but in them I've experienced that I haven't found enough/close enough real friends among my "tribemates": at some point living with the people I've realized we really only share the technical part of the earth-based lifestyle. And life like that doesn't fulfill my social and emotional needs (which I realize that may be greater than those of a totally mentally balanced individual, and thus need special attention and energy from the people I live with). Talking about this with people, I've heard that many have experienced the same loneliness and feeling of being different from the others in such communities, and returned to the city where their friends are. It's a problem for many of us trying to live in the forest or countryside. It's a basic human need to bond with the people one lives with, to feel appreciated and able to communicate deeply among them. Like Björk sings, "being involved in the exchange / of human emotions / is ever-so, ever-so satisfying".
Thinking of this, I came up with the term "social self-suffiency", meaning a community where the social life is so rich and love so abundant, that the members of the community can live there without longing for some other places where they would be loved enough. "Emotional community" means essentially the same thing, that there is also honest emotional interaction between the people, not just talking about work and answering "I'm fine" when one is not. This involves also caring about one's community members, and offering them as much support as one can give without sacrifying themselves (well, of course one can always also sacrifice themselves too, if they love a person really much... but I don't expect that from anyone, it doesn't necessarily make the situation better).
Of course I know that it isn't possible for everyone to be happy, to find enough love in every group. I know that friendship is something that happens by itself, and cannot be forced upon people: and I know that I will not find a friend from everyone. But still I wonder, if there could be some way of aiding me and other earth people to become close with each other, not remain strangers. In fact, I think I know some structures: I've experienced the talking stick and victimization-enabling discussion and flagging practises to create a space where people can open up, feeling listened to and respected.
I remember, in the primi camps I've been, some of these methods have been used... Then why wasn't I still able to feel that my aching for attention and being safe in someone's arms would have be seen and cared about? Hmm... maybe I just wasn't open enough about it. I might have been so ashamed about it, being so child-likely unindependent, that I didn't talk loud and clear about it. I used to feel anxious also about my depression and so many other things, and unable to find anyone to feel these things with me. I just wish that in my life I could help other people if they have any problems like these. I think I'll speak about mental support in the next earth people gathering. Afert all, many of us carry pain like mine, civilization wounds everyone.
I've felt so far that the best way one can aid people beginning to trust each other and opening up , is to do that oneself... Just verbalizing all the feelings and needs one has, honestly, simply, with everyone. It breaks the ice. And usually people are interested, and appreciate the trust one shows in revealing her heart to the others. Sometimes it encourages others to use their voice, too.
Yeah, I'll try to talk about this stuff in Rikkaruoho and in Sweden next summer, and everywhere.
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3 comments:
Love this post ! these are skills and attitude we need to create a sense of belonging together. To create a safe circle of trust to meet our social needs. To build clans and tribes and families.
difficult stuff.
timeLESS
I guess I can well agree with these:
"I don't think it's doing really good for me to be somuch with my
schoolmates. So many of them behave like robots. I really feel like
asking 'where are you?' from those people."
"'Emotional community' means essentially the same thing, that there is
also honest emotional interaction between the people, not just talking
about work and answering 'I'm fine' when one is not."
People often talk about what they do, or general things not related to
anyone present, such as politics, technical stuff, gossip and
extraordinary humor with some certain people. Sometimes it is fun,
sometimes it takes energy and feels pointless, but is needed to maintain
the social situation.
But they rarely tell what they feel and desire or show any weakness. I
often don't tell those things either, for some reasons:
- I have learned to get some non-verbal subtle punishment when doing so.
There can be a short silent moment, for example, or other indications
which tell me that it is not fruitful to talk about emotional things
with these people.
- I might feel uncomfortable or threatened with these people, them
complaining and criticizing me. I can expect in advance what they would
probably tell me, and I would then either:
a) Tell them that they have a point, I should change the way they want.
Officially they are just helping me, but I still feel they are
threspassing my territory, "eating me alive". In theory, it shouldn't
matter what those people think of me, but receiving those messages still
cause some effect, as I am somewhat emotionally open.
b) Say something to defend myself, argue. But why? What's the point in
spreading more negative energy, if not just getting some intellectual
exercice?
I never feel threatened with females, only with many, not not all,
males. It is some element in the personality which makes me feel
threatened. It is not simple masculinity. Maybe some macho,
self-boasting habit, combined with a need to help and give advice, and
being a "self-appointed guardian of the status quo", arguing to support
the current socio-economical system. Patriarchy is the exact word.
Any departion from patriarchy has always been extremely attractive to
me.
- I don't know those people enough and I have learned the habit not to
tell private things to strangers, simply to avoid them getting
embarrassed or confused, or forcing them to help me or to start analyze
complex things.
- I am too tired of thinking. Nowadays I don't have much energy to
process these thoughs enough to put them in an understandable form. I
get a lot of counter-examples and thoughts when formulating these
thoughts. That makes writing about these things hard and slow. Talking
about them leads to many misunderstandings.
When I spend too much time getting only that "robot-like" social
interaction, which is almost everywhere, I get somehow dead, e.g. I
rarely see any dreams and have little interest in anything. Having some
"real", sharing, interaction usually cheers me up.
summertime :o),
sami
I really resonate with your post, and your poems too. I thank you for your honesty and courage. I'm just joining the rewild.info community, and feel much kinship with your way of feeling, expressing, and your motivations in life. I'll call you brother for now, and see what happens later :) again, I honor your walk, and hope to connect more
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